Black Men Need to Step Up!

Black rappers bare some responsibility for their hurtful and degrading lyrics as well. There is NO EXCUSE for the mysogynistic lyrics found in MOST rap lyrics. Black men need to STOP calling Black women hoes, tricks, bitches, etc.

Black Males are the only ethnic group in the US who use the media to degrade their women. Should it come as any surprise when males from other racial groups follow suit and continue the degradation? Hip hop music has long been a vehicle for Black men to systematically destroy the public image of black women; without any repercussions on the part of the perpetrators and (for the most part) without systemic community contest. In that music women (who are our community's mothers, sisters, nieces, daughters, etc.) are called 'hos', 'bitches', 'hoochies', 'broads', 'cunts', etc and both verbally (in the lyrics) and physically (in the videos and award show performances) treated as such.

Am I upset that the 'I-Man' called the women of the Rutgers B-ball squad "nappy-headed hos"? Of course! But where do I lay the blame? At the feet of the black men in our community who have failed – time and time again – to protect us. The collective absence of black male public protection of US black women leaves open wide the door for any male in the world to publicly debase and degrade African-American women of any class, age group, or profession.

Something about steven

Hummm...

Of Lost Loves...

Over the past year, I’ve wondered if I made a huge mistake in college when I broke up with my first love – Brendan. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I was focused on getting into graduate school and starting my career as this big wig environmental planner. I wanted to move to DC, make lots of money, live the suburbs, and become a member of the black bourgeoisie. I wanted a partner who was equally as ambitious and focused. He wasn’t quite there yet.

As a college basketball player, he wanted to pursue a career in the game in any stateside league that would permit him or either travel overseas. In my opinion, he had no plan. In my opinion, he didn’t have realistic goals. I guess at the end of the day, I didn’t believe in him and wanted him to focus on getting a good job in the business field. But that wasn’t his dream and eventually I lost interest in him and the relationship as I decided we were headed to two non-complimentary paths. So, I broke up with him our senior year.

I was a jerk; I realize that now. I was young and full of ideas and dreams of how I wanted my life to be (career, luxury cars, house, material things, status) not understanding that life is made valuable by the people you travel it with – and by the people you love and who in turn love you. I also wanted to test the other grass on other fields and see if they tasted as sweet and tender. Some of the grass did but most of it was bitter and tough.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned that Brendan is now engaged, living in NYC, and I assume quite over me and our college love. I tried to be happy for him and his life but I am conflicted with feelings of remorse and longing. I wonder how my life would now be if I had allowed our 3+ years college love evolved into a real, vibrant, grownup thang.

I know that I would have avoided some heartbreaks from lovers who never loved me. I know that I would have learned to put someone else’s needs above my own. I know that I would not be as sickingly selfish as I have become. I know that I would be better in some ways.

But I also now that because I stepped out on my own and took the world head on and without a partner I am stronger. I’ve had to be independent, creative, innovative, faithful, steadfast, determined, and courageous. I’ve had to learn to become me – the good & the bad, the inane & the fierce.

I wonder if Brendan would still like me – the grownup me. I wonder if he could still fall in love with me. I wonder if…I wonder.

People Fall Off the Face of the Earth/I Hate Relationships

People fall off the face of the earth when they get into relationships. I can always sense when one of my associates/acquaintances/friends starts seeing someone romantically. They stopped calling, emailing, accepting invites to hang out, and so on. Although, I am happy for them, it sucks for me. I hate when people do that. I understand the need for them to cultivate a new interest in someone potentially "special" but can human beings ever have balance?

Here is an excerpt of an email I recieved today. One of my male friends had fallen from the face of the earth and I internally guessed that he must be seeing someone. To my surprise I receive 2 phone calls from him in two days. I finally send him an email just to say what's up and let him know that he had been blowing me off lately. Here is his response:

"Yea, I would like to catch up soon..Honestly, I'm in a new relationship and trying to spend as much time with her as possible these days. I still hang out, but I've stopped chillin with a number of females because I just have to purpose hangin with anymore...I don't wanna be the friend who drops everyone when they are in a relationship. So, I'm glad you are doing well. Talk to you soon. "

I hate relationships because you loose your friends.

Addictive Personalities

Last week, I met up with this dude at a local bar. During our conversation he told me that he has a very addictive personality – alcohol, cigarettes, partying, etc. That wasn’t hard for me to believe because I can see that in how he relates to me. Although I never call him, he continues to aggressively pursue me without any reciprocity on my part. Anyway, that personal reflection caused me to think about my own addictions – past and present. I think many people can say that they battle being addicted to vices. Most of us can at least relate being addicted and then overdosing on something that was initially good.

At various times I become “addicted” to things, events, places, etc. Last fall, I was addicted to Carmello candy bars. I couldn’t go into a convenience store and NOT purchase one or two. I couldn’t help myself. It was as if they were calling my name. Another period, I was addicted to smoking. So, for 2 or 3 months I smoked almost everyday. Then I dropped the habit.

Once I was addicted to a man (actually a few times) and I did all kinds of crazy/stupid things (drive him to pick up one of his 3 kids, play the position of ‘main girl’ while I subconsciously knew he had others, and braid his hair for free while I charged other men $20). Again, it was as if that man had some voodoo-induced hold on me. I was addicted to just the scent of him. I yearned for him. Then one day I decided that I didn’t want to be bothered any more and stopped taking his calls.

Now I am addicted to activity. Although I currently work on average more than 40 hours a week at my full-time job, attend volunteer and church activities, I picked up a part-time gig. I just have to be busy. Right now, I cannot be still. I have to be into something at all times. Sometimes, when I get off my part-time late at night, I may go to a coffee shop or go to a bar just to have something else to do. I am also finding myself being drawn to yet another man (the beginning stages of addiction). Although he is not “Mr. Right” he is certainly “Mr. Right Now” and my body responds at the thought of him. He is just too damn cool. I wonder if he knows he has that effect on me. Maybe I should go cold turkey before I get in too deep. I can always keep myself busy by picking up another job…

If you had knowledge that you were only going to live for short while longer, what would you do? Would you quit your job? Would you confess to that long lost love how much you miss them? Would you take that trip that you have put off for years? Would you tell anyone that you were going to die soon?

I try to live each day to the fullest but in my heart I know that I do not. I cheat life by borrowing time from tomorrow casting my hopes of a more fulfilling life onto another day. Some of what I want most before I die is to put my toes in wet sands, run against the wind, and sing songs loudly and robustly, hug my daddy, take another extra long road trip, attend another great concert, learn how to cook crepes, look into my children’s eyes and say “I love you”, and watch spectacular sunsets on the porch with my soulmate.

Some of these things I can do today. Some of these I cannot. But the sentiment is to live each day better than the next, to smile a bit more in spite of the trials, to forgive more and more, and to love more fully and completely this life that God has given me.

A Random Compliment

Last night, I went to this bar to hear my favorite DJ and had an absolute grand time. It really solidified why being in your 20s is one of best times in your life. After slurping down an Amstel Light or two I recieve the strangest compliment. I was waiting in line to use the ladies room and this older white-haired gentlemen reaches over to shake my hand. He looks at me and either says, "You are one handsome fool" or "You are a handful of cool". He was drunk. I was knocking on drunk's door so who knows what he said. I just laughed...