'Tis the Season

So, it is almost the holiday season and I am fluctuating between extreme excitement and dread. I want to be in the holiday spirit this year because almost each year since college I have met each season with depression. I have been like Charlie Brown in "A Charlie Brown Christmas". I had the blues but couldn't always put my finger on it.

In recent years I have realized that the root of the dread and depression is the realization that I am not going to get any good gifts. Since I am grown my parents have ceased giving me anything more exciting than pajamas and underclothes. When I am single during the season I get nothing romantic or sentimental. Since my sisters are still working towards financial security they cannot offer me any good goods. So, can you see why I am usually depressed during this time? I get nothing for being good all year. Maybe I should start being bad...

This year for Christmas all I really want is an IPod. I don't care if it is the older version. I don't need the NANO. I just want an IPod. If I cannot get the IPod, I'd like a cashmere sweater, an Emeril or Rachel Ray Cookbook, and an apron. I guess most of my gift options are expensive so that's why I don't get anything. But I have a specific taste and sometimes my taste is expensive. I cannot help that. I don't like cheap crap. But I always enjoy eclectic gifts and jewerly (i love handmade, one-of-a-kind pieces!) and books that don't cost a lot. I like the thought mostly.

What I hate are gift cards though. Last year the ONLY Christmas present I got was a $20 gift card for Best Buy. I bought a Maroon 5 CD and a CD Holder for my car visor. I still enjoy both today but I would have preferred to have recieved both as gifts instead of the gift card. It may sound like I am picky but once you know me you know what I can appreciate THOUGHTFULNESS and not always the monetary value.

If all else fails, I hope that at least I get a great bottle of wine for Christmas. Then I can put John Coltrane's "My Favorite Things" on repeat, make a Christmas 'everyday gourmet' supper, and drink myself into a happy stupor. 'Tis the Season! Blah Blah Blah!

The Blues

Today is a blah day. I am kinda sad. Already. I am lonely and I miss some people and some things. I also just realized that the guy I had been talking to is still not trustworthy. He has this internet personal ad that he keeps updating although he told me that he took it down. I just don't get it. Internet personal ads are so strange to me. I thought only perverts did it. Maybe he is a pervert and I just don't know. In any case, I have too much going on right now to be too concerned with it. I guess some things are meant to stay the same...

I have been up since the wee hours busy as bee. I am sitting my friend's baby (YAY!)in a few so I only have less than a few to say what's on my mind...

Last week, I went to my baby brother's gravesite. I'd never been there before. He died at 2 months when I was four and no one in my family talks about him or the death. I used to talk to Wes, my brother, a lot when I was little. Sometimes he would be a baby to me. Other times, he would be older. When I found where he was laid, I sat down and cried. I have ALWAYS missed him. When I was younger and things were bad at home, I would say to him, "Wes, you are so lucky to not be here and deal with [whatever was going on]". But now, I wish I could have him here with me. Even if he had to be sad sometimes because of family crap. He doesn't have a marker on his grave. Apparently, my mom and dad could not go through with it. So, I have decided to buy one for him. I told my parents and they are cool with my decision but would rather not be involved. I kinda understand but kinda do not. As respect, I want to buy him one. I want to be able to visit him and find his grave easily. I want him to be remembered in posterity. I dont want him to just be grass. I want his name, Brian Wesley Matthews, II, to be drawn in the earth. I have the marker picked out already. I think he would love the design and the thought...I went to visit the site again on yesterday and again I cried. This time the tears were less salty and more sweet. I am finding peace with my brother's lost memory and bringing his light back to us.

The Employment Commission Needs a New Job

Yo, I am getting unemployment compensation [GASP]. Until I get my career in urban and environmental planning off the ground, I am living off of my savings and my weekly checks from the unemployment taxes my past employer had to pay. One of my friends suggested I do this once I left my job. This is like the worker's version of being in an inept welfare to work program. Every week I have to inform the Employment Commission that I am "actively seeking employment" and report the places I have applied to or have contacted to inquire about job opportunities. Now, I understand the need for accountability but if they really wanted to be helpful I could give them a few ideas.

Instead of them having to read the Unemployed's weekly updates on their website or listen to the recorded phone messages we the Unemployed leave, they should use their energy in helping us obtain employment. I could really us a "Career Counselor" or an "Employment Agent" or a "Job Broker". I need someone to help me market myself to government agencies and to plead my case before Human Resource Departments. I could really use someone on my side with a complete focus on getting a smart sista hired! I mean, really! I want to work. The issue is that my career is such a small niche and retention is really high. There isn't a lot of turnover in the urban and environmental planning field.

So, instead of the Employment Commission pushing papers all day, perhaps they (or one of them) should come with me each day as I pound the pavement with my resume and coverletter in hand. That is a much better job for them to do!

OK, Lord

I've noticed that most of the journal entries nowadays begin with "OK, Lord" or "So, Lord". So have my prayers. You see, I am stuck in front of this huge mountain and I do not know how to move it. So, I now pray with a heart of disperation. A quick update is due:

I am unemployed. The first month was awesome. Now I am bored and frustrated. Can you believe that I have 2 degrees yet I cannot get a job within my chosen career? I cannot either. I want to make a difference in people's lives so I chose a noble profession but maybe I should have chosen something more broad. I am frustrated. I want a career and not a job. But I am bored so I am going to have to do something very soon. I may start to wait tables at a bar or subsitute teach. But I want to be in my chosen career. Patience is a virtue that I do not have right now.

I am also tired of being single! I want to go out on a date. Oh, there is this really attractive guy in this computer lab (I am in the public library because I am too poor to get DSL in my new apartment). Maybe he'll ask me out...Maybe not. He is too hot to not be dating someone already. Also, I look young for my age so he may think I am 20 and pass on approaching me. [Sigh]. And I NEVER approach a guy. I dont have the guts...

Last night, my sister (my new roommate :)) was so incredulous when I told her I'd date a very old man. I have the biggest crush on Douglas Wilder (first black VA Governor). I think he is so handsome and distinguished. I like older men because they have their lives together. Half the men my age are a lost cause. I may be going to the VA Gubernatorial Inaguration Ball if one of my associates gets an invite. He wants to take me. Maybe I can land a really hot and disguished older gentleman then...or at least be introduced to Doug.

I have started my love affair with my guitar again. I am going to get official lessons very soon. I am having fun learning it again although my fingers cramp really badly. It is worth it.

To use this time of unemployment productively, I am planning a mentoring program. My first meeting with my co-leaders is tonight. I really want this to be a minstry targeted at young black women.

Ok, Lord, and the rest of you all out there. I am leaving the public library now...I have some resumes to mail out. The cute guy hasn't said anything to me yet so I live to fight another Singleton's day. LOL.

peace.