Top Ten Reasons Why You Could Potentially Be Ex-Communicated from the Black Community

Disclaimer: My friends and I were joking about this and decided to make a list of the top tens reasons why one would have their 'black card' revoked. I wouldn't necessary kick someone out of the community for any of these reasons but they are each pointent enough to make you raise an eyebrow and say 'hmmm'. Don't take this too seriously. We do need one more to make the top ten a valid top ten. So, if you can think of one, post it!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU COULD POTENTIALLY BE EX-COMMUNICATED FROM THE BLACK COMMUNITY ·
1. You have ever said or followed thought the following, "I'll never date/marry a black woman because [fill in the blank]"· (if you ever said this in the presence of a black woman, you may get physically injured)
2. You think Alex Haley's Roots is a line of ethnic hair care products· (you missed black History 101)
3. For any reason other than health reasons, you never ever consume fried chicken or a pork chop· (you obviously have no appreciation for soul food)
4. Your first name is Condelezza and your last name is Rice· (need i say more?)
5. You do not know how to do the "Electric Slide"· (clearly you have not attended any black barbeques, family reunions, or wedding receptions)
6. You are a self proclaimed Republican · (need i say more?)
7. You are a black man and are dating a white women· (you'll get dirty looks from black women for the rest of your life)
8. You have not seen the Color Purple, Coming to America, the Cosby Show, or Boyz in the Hood· (you missed Black Media 101)
9. You are your only Black Friend. (the keenest evidence that you are not part of the Black community anyway)

Common Sense

I love Common. His music just speaks to me. He is one of the few rappers out there that produce sustenance, knowledge, and encouragement through his craft. He is a true artist in that he allows himself to be vulnerable and allows his art to speak for himself. The music is always true because it is a relative truth-at even given point it can change with the times and yet resonate.

I am really digging his new CD, BE. However, there is one song that I can do without and that song is GO! The only reason I half-way listen to it is because of John Mayer’s voice on the chorus. The verses are a bit much and one verse in particular I detest. It is perpetuating an epidemic in our ill culture-lesbianism. The verse is:

“(Go) Freaky like the daughter of a pastor, said I was bait for her to master(Go) Little red corvette now she was faster, wet dreams Le'maire cream the bathroom(Go) We made love and then laughter, and anyway I wanted I could have herSaid there were some girls that did attract her, a new chapter she was after so I said let's(Go) To a place that you wanna be, uh get what you want from her and me uh(Go) Free love I wanna see uh, hot sex in the third degree uh(Go) You gettin' served while servin' me uh, dirty words encourage me toRock steady and sturdily on, you turnin' me no turnin' back the further we”

Turn on your TV and on almost any given cable channel at any given point, you may see some homosexuality and lesbianism popping off. Why is that? What is up with the epidemic? When came the point in Black American culture where lesbianism was cool? Forgive me for saying this but there was always that gay male in the church choir or in someone’s family but NOW GIRLS are jumping on the “free love” bandwagon.

Do you want my take? Even if you don’t here it is. I believe the short answer is that we are in a sinful world that is going to hell in a hand basket and people are just sinful. As a result people have a reprobate mind and have allowed themselves to just wild out! Some folks wild out via girl – on – girl action. Women are doing this joint for a number of reasons but I will highlight just 2:

1) Some women have been so wounded by men that they are trying something new
2) They are part-time recreational lesbians and do it to please men

What is so messed up with all of these reasons is that no problems are being solved by acting out in this manner. Women sleeping with women will not heal them from the pain their ‘baby daddy’ or ex-boyfriend/ex-husband caused them. Women sleeping with women will not make a man hold on them or maintain interest due to just that factor. It is a circular journey because lesbianism will not satisfy anyone because the participants have already demonstrated their insatiability by even going that route. Men like it because it allows them so much control in the sexual situation. Even if it is two women, a man can still join in and exert all of the control. Lesbianism + a man in the scenario is all about a man proving his virility and not his desire that a woman is satisfied.

I am so mad at Common for jumping on the bandwagon and promoting this crap because it is crap! I found out on Sunday that the Mom of one of my nephews is living with another woman as a couple. This woman has to be less than 25 years old. What made her switch teams? How is this going to impact my little nephew? I am tired of women disrespecting themselves by humping other women. I am more tired of the media hyping it up like it is the way life is supposed to orchestrate. Common and the rest of the “lesbian obsessed” media need to exert some common sense and realize the basis and results of the obsession they are pushing on countless vulnerable and gullible women.

What do you all think?

Age Ain't Nothing But a Number...

Me: I think I am going to start to act my age.
Her: How are you supposed to act?
Me: I don’t know.
Both: chuckle

The thing is I want to be old. For the last few years I have really wanted to be like in my 30s or something. I’ve certainly been through enough in my life to make me feel like I am in my 30s. But I know that when I am actually in my 30s I will wish that I was in my 20s again. I suppose I am so fixated with being older for a number of reasons. The first is because I look so young. Almost everyday someone tells me how young I 1) look, 2) sound, or 3) seem. I don’t always know if I should take that last one is a compliment but folks typically say that I am very “youthful” but not immature. I have been told by many older people that I am very mature for my age. I definitely take that as a compliment. Also, I get hit on a lot by younger men. All of the time in fact! When a dude hollas at me the first question I now ask is, “how old are you?” If they respond with, “old enough” or “it doesn’t matter” I know I am dealing with a youngen and quickly move on.

I’m also fixated with being older because I have always wanted to be older. Some people say that they loved being a kid. I liked it enough but I couldn’t wait until I was on my own and could take care of myself. I have always been independent and hate the feeling of dependency. Being a kid (i.e. being young) just denotes a lifestyle when you are constantly relying on someone else to give you what you need. I was never the person who wanted to stay young forever. I vividly remember when my mom turned 29 years old and I had thought to myself, “how cool. I can’t wait to be 29.”

What I mean by saying that I am going to start acting my age I am not exactly sure since there isn’t a guidebook. You just go with the flow. Maybe what I am saying to myself when I internally crave to be older is a desire for more stability, predictability, consistency in my life. I am eager to attain a certain quality of life as well and age usually permits that. I don’t believe that being older will make my life less stressful or less painful. I know plenty of old people whose lives are and have been hell. I guess I am just ready for the next step…whatever that will be.

Basketball Blues

So, my Pistons LOST last night and I am disappointed. Add to that, the end of the NBA Season and I am in mourning. I am also irritable for another reason.

Imagine that you are on your couch-chilling and watching a really great program on TV-maybe a really good basketball game. Then someone walks into the room, joins you on the couch and begins enjoying the game as well. You watch the game together for a while and then out of the blue, the person grabs the remote and turns the TV off. You get pissed and yell at them. He/she turns the TV back on. You start enjoying the basketball game again and start cheering for your team. Then he/she reaches for the remote and turns the TV off-again. You are really pissed but you are wondering why this person keeps doing that. You ask him/her why they keep doing that and they say that that they enjoy the company with you and even enjoy the game but they just aren’t sure if they want to watch the game with you. Ok, you ask them why don’t they just leave and they say that they like the company and are comfortable. What would be the appropriate response for you to make?

Would you stay on the couch and allow this person to continue to be inconsistent and be hot one minute then cold? Would grab the remote and hide it from him/her? Or would you just leave the room? My choice is to leave the room because worst than missing the entire game is not being allowed to enjoy it in its integrity.

Observe the following text convo:
Him: “Hey [my name]”
Her: “hey”
Him: “Go pistons!”
Her: “Shut up. I want an apology.”
Him: “Im sorry for not coming to see you friday.”
Her: “U don’t mean it. Why are you contacting me anyway. U play too many games.”
Him: NO RESPONSE
Her thinking: [Is this what I have to keep dealing with after all of this time? Damn. What did I do to someone else to deserve this crap? It can’t be karma. But there was that relationship with Brendan. But that was a long time ago and surely the Universe is not trying to get some payback after all of this time...But anyway, he can’t even come up with an answer and he knows that I am mad at him…I guess I should not even be surprised.]

I am going to be real. Many times, I do not know what I want or even who I am or who I am growing into-even though I am in my late 20s. But I do know that I hate inconsistency and I hate someone taking me for granted. I know that I am commanded by God to love my neighbor so I have extended unconditional love to this individual but he takes advantage of my friendship. So, I have decided to just leave the room-leave the comfort of my couch, leave the predictability of the inconsistency and just find another room for myself where I can watch a basketball game without all of the drama.

Mississippi Burning

Yesterday was the 41st anniversary of one of the most blatant civil and human rights violations to occur in America. That violation and its proceeding judicial remedies condoned the unregulated assault on blacks and members of the civil rights community, shook the foundation of youth civil rights activism, ripened the racial divides in the South, and sealed a town in secrecy. One June 21, 1964, three civil rights workers – James Chaney, 21 years old; Andrew Goodman, 20 years old; and Michael Schwerner, 24 years old – were murdered by local Ku Klux Klansmen near Philadelphia, Mississippi. They were in the area working to register black voters in during Freedom Summer and had gone to Nashoba County to investigate a recent church burning. On there way out of the County, they were arrested by the cops on a phony charge, detained, released, and then ambushed and shot point-blank. Their lifeless bodies were buried in a dam under tons of dirt.

That year, no justice was allotted them. Vengeance was not given. Of the 18 persons charged with the crime, only eight were convicted. The sentences given to the convicted ranged from 4 to 10 years. The judge is quoted to have said, “They killed one nigger, one Jew, and one white man—I gave them what I thought they deserved”. However, yesterday another key person involved in the murder of those 3 young lives was convicted. Edgar Ray Killen, 80 years old, was finally convicted of manslaughter for his involvement in those crimes. On Thursday, he can be sentenced to a maximum of 60 years in prison.

Senseless tragedies and bold racist attacks like these make me very sad and at times very angry. It just does not meet any rationale. Now, my questions are these: what does that mean for us today? What does the conviction of an 81 year old racist murderer mean? What is its significance? Those answers are too complicated to attempt to answer in this space. What’s more pertinent to me is how the spirits of James, Andrew, and Michael speak to us and what do they implore us to do. As someone who is just a few years older than those guys when they were murdered, it raises so many questions for me as I try to live a life of meaning. The most resonating question for me is this: in a hurting world (racism, poverty, sexism, injustice, inequity, and nihilism) how can I truly have an impact? James, Andrew, and Michael died for what they believed in. Their lives were not in vain. Although I wish they never had to suffer as they did, I thank them for their sacrifice as it is teaching me how life is truly meant to be lived-courageously and purposefully.

More of that Mo' Betta Black Love

Disclaimer: I'm going to piss some more people off...don't hate the message, you can hate the messager if it makes you feel betta.

Why do black men date and marry non-black women?

I used to believe the love is hard to find. It is even harder to keep. Therefore, when you find love, hold on to it and make it work. I used to believe that it didn’t matter who you found this love with-color, race, class, nothing mattered but your love for one another. But I now firmly believe that this can be a cop-out for black men who prefer to date and marry white women. This is because on the most basic level one chooses who one falls in love with and commits to. Everyone has the discretion to choose who they spend their time, energy, and resources with. Those little decisions take you on certain paths and you choose the path that will lead you to fall in love with someone. One does not wake up in the morning and just happen to be in love. You choose it every step of a platonic relationship. A man chooses if he wants just a friendship or a romantic relationship with a woman. That “I can’t help who I love” rationale is a lie.

The reason why all of this even matters in the year 2005 is because the black community and culture are at crucial points. We suffer from broken families. Our children are being influenced by evil MTV and BET and hypersexual music. Our brothers are incarcerated at alarming rates (I personally know 4 people in jail right now). Some of our men are on the Down Low (YUCK). Poverty is swallowing up our inner cities and outer ring suburbs. Our women are confused about their roles and their identity because too many are baby mamas and not wives. Far too many of us have a ‘hood rich’ mentality and negative net worth. The black community is in dire straits. We need strong black families to confront and fight these pressures if the black community seeks to survive and be successful in America this century.

In order to have strong families, we need strong relationships between black men and black women. Black women should EXPECT a black man to marry her, protect her, provide for her, and love her. It should not be a hope but a reality. Black women have been forced to be superwomen because we do not have the covering of black men to shield us from life’s storms. Black men abandon the collective of black women and black culture when they choose to be with non-black women.

Black men need to stop saying that black women are “too aggressive”, “will not give a brother a chance”, “gold diggers”, and “ask for too much”. I was at a comedy show last week and a comedian stated that black women want too much from black men because they want a man with a job, car, and his own house. HELLO?! Why shouldn’t I require that? That line of thought is wack.

So, brothers before you decide to turn your back on your sistas and love on someone else just because they are non-black, think about the impact you are having on our culture. Analyze why a black woman has had to become so ‘strong’. It is because you were not allowed to protect us during slavery. It is because you were not allowed to be in the home if we were on public assistance. It is because you have been emasculated by a racist culture and are unsure of your role as a man. It is because we had to take care of ourselves and your children alone for centuries. Most of us are tired of being that “strong black woman” and just want to be weak and rely on a responsible and honorable black man to take care of us. We need strong black families for a strong black community. Don’t be like Kobe, Tiger (I still love you, Tiger, call me if you read this), Dave Chappelle, Russell Simmons, Charles Barkley, Tim Duncan, Wesley Snipes, Taye Diggs, etc. and give all of your love, time, and resources to another culture. The black culture needs you to survive. Black women are hurting because of your fears, insecurities, and intimidation. Step up to the plate and take care of your black women. We need you (but OJ and Ike Turner need not apply).

Dating

Dating in my 20s has been interesting. In fact, the older I get the less I care and the more I can relax with the whole dating thing. For other singles, getting older may increase the pressure becuase you may feel anxious about finding that special person before you start balding (men) or your hips start spreading (ladies). But for me, it's been the exact opposite. I have become so nonchalant that i even surprise myself.

For example, this Memorial Day weekend I hooked up with an old friend. He comes to my family's cookout and we have a great time-cool convo, lots of laughts, and some good quality time together. As he drove into the starry night on his white stallion (or was it a nondescript American-made sedan?) he calls out, "I'll call you. I miss you already!". Before long, a week passes and he calls and he is pissed. He perceeds to tell me that he's angry with me for not calling him. He's upset that I did not call him during his 4 hour ride home to check on him. Blah Blah Blah.

As you can guess, I did not really care too much. It is not that I was not interested in his feelings of neglect, abandonment, or unimportance. On the contrary. I care about him a lot since was have know each other since college, have been intimate, and have experienced a great deal together. However, I know that if a man really is interested in a woman, he'll call her in less than 48 hours of their last encounter. If he is really digging a lady, he will not be able to help himself. A man who wants something will not be stopped from displaying it.

So, when he did not call me that night, I knew that he was not too pressed over me. It was cool. I did not care. I was chill about the situation. I'd put absolutely no pressure that "we" were going anywhere. I've learned from experience over the years to not expect anything from a dating situation. I just go with the flow. If a relationship evolves, cool. If not, cool too. I am not too pressed. Therefore, I do not chase men. I've learned that it is not my God-given role to pursue a relationship. It is the man's role to pursue me. In the past, when I've pursued men, the relationship that was established did not last. Men by design are hunters. It they obtain a woman that they have not "hunted" they will not have learned her value and worth. As a result, they will eventually not treat her well and the relationship will disintegrate.

Therefore, I've concluded that my old friend who got angry with me for not calling, really wasn't angry with me because I didn't call him. He was angry because I chose not to chase him. If he was truly interested he would have "hunted" me. Instead, he put his ego in the mix, got upset over percieved rejection, called me in anger, and pissed me off. He certainly does not have to worry about me calling him ever again. I don't chase men because I know my worth (I'll tell you a secret: I am very smart, virtuous, approachable, sucessful in my life, and cute. All in all I am a catch).

What's affirming in this situation is that my sister saw this dude at an NFL Celebrity event about 2 weeks later with a woman who appeared to be pregnant. It seems that yet again I've speared myself from some drama-another close call in this life caught in the 20s.

One Day It'll All Make Sense...

What is the purpose of all of this? What is the reason for going through the daily grind, the mundane, or the mind-numbing routine of this life? Yesterday, I completed a very long end of the year report which my boss wanted (like he is really going to read all of it). Over the course of my preparation, I had to reflect on all of my projects and accomplishments and setbacks over the past 8 months and how they met the goals of my organization. I realized how much work I'd done and was reminded how little impact I had in the grand scheme of things. So what if I had more productivity than my predecessor or initiated two new huge programs that are going to be annualized? So what if my income this year was more than double any income I've ever had? What does it matter if my title rings "accomplished"?

Nothing...to me. Now, I am not ungrateful for the gifts and blessings that God has given me. Not at all. I am humbled by it. However, none of this matters to me because I do not feel as if I am living out my life to the fullest or living out my true purpose. My family is shocked everytime I appear completed unaffected by my success. Some of them even try to map out the next step for me so that I can be more successful. "Get your Ph.D." "Stay at your current job" "Don't leave" "You are making money" "Do this. Do That" Being young but on the cusp of being a grown-ass adult is daunting. Everyone has a suggestion for how they can live vicariously through you. I know they all mean well but I cannot follow them. I do not know everything there is to know about life but I do know that I dont want to waste it chasing money, material possessions, and menial ideals of a "good life". I just want to live my life how I want to live it.

Since college the only thing that I have ever truly desired was to be happy. When I thought about what I want my life to be, I just wanted to be happy in that life. Now, whatever path it takes me to be happy is a toss up. However, through trial and error I now know some of what makes me happy and some of what does not. I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I do not. I know that I am most happiest when I laugh. I know that I am most unhappy when I feel absolutely powerless. I know that I am most happiest working with teenagers and talking with them and hanging out with them and sharing my bit of world experience with them. I know that I hate working at a computer all day or having a boss whose basic leadership method is intimidation. I know that I love to champion the cause of the poor. I know that I can feel God's pleasure when I am serving someone at his/her most helpless. I can actually feel God presence.

So, at the end of the day I must ask myself, "how does what I accomplished today count towards accomplishing my mission in life" "How does it serve the people I know that I was created to serve" "How does it match up with the most important things to me; justice, equity, fair access to adequate housing, the empowerment of the proletariat, and the spreading of God's Gospel?" Life is so short. Even in my 20s I realize this. Therefore, I gotta do what I was sent here to do; provide affordable housing, transform the 'hood, nurture and mentor young girls and women, advocate for the poor, love my extended 'family', and teach whatever God puts in my heart. I have to. If I don't I am not living my life. I am merely existing.

Happy 73rd Birthday, Grammie.

Oh, to look like Thandie Newton

We all know that the media bombards women with society's (who/whatever that is) standard of beauty. Just turn on the tube or turn up the radio and you will see and hear any number of sublimal and overt messages stating the acceptable physical standard of beauty for women. When females are young girls there is a constant pressure to be "pretty" or "cute". That compliment is THE most important one to a little girl. You just get condition that looks are so important. Once, you hit puberty and are on your way to "becoming a woman" (as my mom and all of the high school nurses used to say) there is even more pressure to look the part and walk the walk. We became terrible make-up artists and sometimes went to school looking like BoBo the clown (damn those yearbook pictures!). Once you morph into a woman caught in the 20s it is even more crazy because you have begun to accept physical self for who she is, have decreased the amount of pressure you put on yourself to look like the latest hollywood hottie, but still desire to be desireable. I heard that once a woman hits 40, she is finally comfortable in her own skin.

But where does this pressure come from? How does it impact women? Is it healthy? Well, the pressure comes from MEN. At first, ladies, we think that we are wearing that gold eye shadow, high-heeled stilletos, itchy panty hose, and padded miracle bras for ourselves. We think, "this makes me look beautiful, sexy, desirable, mature, alluring". We think, "this makes me feel better about myself, gives me more confidence". However, the scary truth is that if no men were around....we wouldn't do it! [gasp] I think i may get kick out of the ladies club but fellas I am hipping you to an important fact. Women torture themselves for YOU.

Now, a little 'torture' can be healthy and not cause any emotional or physical or physological harm. For instance, high heeled shoes never hurt anybody (except Ike Turner) and make-up really only kills lab rabbits. But there are many many times when harm is caused in other ways. There are, at times, so much pressure on many women that they spin out of control in hopes of looking like Halle, J-Lo, Janet, etc. Women get so much outside pressure to be what the culture deems as acceptable (ie beautiful). This is manifested in anorexia, bulima, overeating, compulsive exercise, dressing too scantly at the local night spot, putting needles in our face to rid ourselves of wrinkles, gluing fake hair onto our scalps, burning our own hair, extreme plastic surgery, ect. We shove, liposuc, pull, bleed, and sweat to be acceptable to a society that is NEVER truly satisfied. And many women are chronically depressed...

But MEN have the power to stop teen and college-age women from killing themselves in the quest to be thin. Men have the power to shift a woman's focus from her physical self to her other selves. Men have the power to empower women to be free in their own skin. You can do things like not complain when she gains some weigh; not over critique her physical attributes; not compare her to the latest SportsIllustrated swimsuit edition models; praise her emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental capacities; and began to build her confidence. All men have women in their lives. Men, committ yourselves to offering words that breath life into women around you. Compliment them. Thank them for being who they are. Tell them that wearing extra low pants that shows their panties or wearing a sheer outfit to the club is not cool. Be committed to building up the women in your life.

I have had to learn to accept myself for who I am and I am loving it. My hair is nappy, I am skinny, wear a B-cup bra (on a good day), and do not look like any video vixen nor have a butt like Beyonce. But I am happy. I am continuously affirmed by God, myself, and also by the good men in my life who edify me. Men, spread a good word to the good women in your life.