Alright, Already!

Alright, alright, alright, already! I’ll say it. I hate being single. Ok. I want a stinking relationship. It is out there. I am tired of not having dates on Thursday nights and not having spontaneous weekend trips. I am bored with not having someone to talk with me on the phone all hours of the night. I am frustrated that I don’t have a steady person in my life that lights me up from the inside out and make my toes curl. I miss spooning. I miss pillow fights. I miss lazy afternoons watching the tube. I miss being part of a couple. I miss coordinating schedules. I even miss the fights and make ups. SIGH.

My sister wants to hook me up with someone but I hate dating strangers. Those dates make me super nervous and I can never be myself. Those kinds of dates are pressure to me. But at this stage in the game I have no choice. I need to really get out there and meet some people unless I plan to follow through with the “cat lady” plan (All I need is my first, second, third, and fourth cats). But I hate meeting strangers….This is such a dilemma! Unless I take my sister on the date with me…Humm. Now that is a fun thought. A good quality double date would be a viable approach.

To be continued…

Of Jailbirds

Since 2005 I have known five people who have done time in prison. While in jail they’ve asked me to hold them down via letters and phone calls. I am nice person so I write letters back and sometimes take the occasional phone call. However, I have progressively become more and more annoyed. For one thing, these people were not best friends with me before they got locked up but once they got locked up the letters have flown in and the phone calls (from a couple of them) have certainly been more than adequate.

To put this in perspective (and so that you will not think that I am either a complete sucker for maintaining contact or an utter asshole for my ranting), I shall name the folks and my association with them.
1) My younger half brother, C: He got locked up in 2000 and had to do a five year bid. I wrote him for five years! I have the letters to prove it. He got out last March and I have seen and spoken to him less than 5 times. Oh, he got locked up again last month. I refuse to write him.
2) My homeboy E: He is the older brother of one of my childhood friends and I had a crush on him when I was a tweenager because he reminded me of Snoop Dog. Since I was younger than him he never paid me any real attention. Once we got older we went out a couple times but nothing major. He was too busy in the streets to think about having any relationship with a good girl such as myself. However, once he got locked up I started to receive all of these letters of devotion. He wrote that he used to like me and wants to be with me now. I am thinking “now? Yeah, right”. At first I wrote him a lot to hold him down but I don’t really press myself to do so anymore.
3) This cat named, J: He is cool but mostly a friend of my sister. He liked her a bit in college but nothing too serious. We had mutual friends and used to hang out once in a while. When he got locked up he started writing me too. I felt he got a dirty charge so I hold him down. He is a political prisoner to me. Anyway, come to find out, he had become interested in my sister because his girl left him. So, he wrote and called (pre-paid) me to basically figure out how to get at her. Once I realized his motives I stopped writing him as often. Once she found out his intentions towards her and told him it wasn’t jumping off, he stopped calling me all together.
4) My boy C: He got locked up almost a year ago. He just disappeared and no one knew what happened to him for a couple of months. Then one night he called me and I started holding him down. We went to high school together and he is my peoples but we never really talked on the phone much. We used to kick it with a few friends every now and then. But now he is writing me and calling me (with a cell phone! Don’t ask me how he got it) often. It is awkward because I am not used to talking to him more than once every couple of months.
5) My other younger half brother H: He was locked up and when he was in there he talked a good game of building a relationship. He got out in July and I have only seen him once (I think I saw him). Anyway…

All that to say: I am tired of holding down people in jail. And I am tired of men in jail falling in love out of the blue with people they didn’t love before they got locked up. I try to be a good and loving person by holding folks down with letters and phone calls but really I am not feeling it anymore. As a black woman who grew up in an urban environment I have been conditioned to hold people down when times get hard for them but really I am not feeling it anymore. My sister feels the same way.

I am making a new rule: If in the unfortunate state of affairs one gets locked up, continue communications on the same level that existed prior to the incarceration. Do not increase or decrease communications. As in all relationships consistency is the name of the game.

Do Not Recycle

My tip for the day: DO NOT RECYCLE. I am a tree hugger so I am not talking about recycling environmentally. Recycling newspapers and soda cans is always good. I am talking about relationships.

Ok, I have a huge problem with recycling. I don’t know why I can not let certain people out of my life. I have been “talking” to Mr. X-Factor again and it has been fun. I love talking with him and spending time with him. In fact I was going to make another trip to see him next weekend. On so many levels he is the One. But you know what? On so many levels he clearly is not. Recycling relationships is almost always bad. I mean there was a valid reason to part ways in the first place so why bother getting back together again when those initial reasons will most likely be the reasons for the next ending? I am foolish and the worst kind of foolish because I love to hopelessly love. It is my weakness. That explains why I have recycled him countless times over an almost 2 year time span. I cannot seem to completely let go. There are always reminders that I should have let that thang stay in the trash heap.

To make a very long story short it turns out that the initial reasons were the final reasons to say good bye AGAIN. This time around was kinda nasty though with “I hate you” and “f**k you” and “leave me the f**k alone” coming from my direction. Don’t worry, I apologized. At least I didn’t say EVERYTHING I was thinking (which was a lot worse, trust me. I have bit of a temper). I think this time around I am just fed up and I can honestly say that I think I am done-at least for a long while….

Question

What do you do when you find out one of the closest people to you has lied? The lie wasn't about a specific incident but a concept. Trust is now an issue as I feel as if I don't really know this person at all. On some level he looks so different to me-colder, calculating, confused. Lying can be self-perservation.

A wise man once said, "when caught between a rock and a hard place, the best thing to do is to spoon". Although, feelings of betrayal wrap me and leave me shaken I think I must be faithful to this person despite their indescretions. I just know what I am dealing with and as in all relationships I must play my position.

Today is still the best day of my life.

Be Grateful Until Further Notice

Today has been the best day of my life; as was yesterday. Yesterday I woke up and decided that it would be the best day I’ve ever had. Despite the fact that I was not traveling, attending any concerts, or celebrating my birthday, I was going to have the best day ever. And it was. I worked hard at the office, made a decent dinner, talked with friends, and then went to the movies. It was a great day.

Today, I woke up and decided that today would be the best day I’ve ever had. So far so good…I am working hard, having inspirational conversations, and challenging myself. I am going to go for a nice walk tonight as well. It will be the best day yet.

A few months ago one of my pastors said: “Be grateful until further notice”. Yesterday I fully accepted it as my way of life. Each day may not be sunny nor greet you with a bed of rose petals but each day is a day to be happy and satisfied with what you have before you. I have lived a too much of my life in sadness and discontent (always looking for that next big thing) but I am done with that. Yesterday I made a conscious decision to live each day expecting it to be better than the one prior.

Today is a great day but the best is always yet to come.

Random Rant

yo, i purchased gas for $2.20/gallon Monday, Aug. 8. By Friday, Aug. 12, gas had gone up to $2.50/gallon. NO LIE. I am serious! Can you believe that? Now it is even higher. I am almost on E and dread having to buy gas this evening...i am going to have to buy generic gas from a grocery store. my poor car. i am too poor to drive now. i guess i better start my thumb exercises cuz i am bout to be hitchhiking soon.

Untitled

Ok, so I am done entirely with being embarrassed about my panic attacks. Last night I made that decision and I am sticking to it. Since Friday I was viewing the whole diagnosis as an emotional weakness on my part. It was much easier accepting a diagnosis of asthma because that was something physical that I could not control. A panic attack or anxiety attacked seemed awfully mental and thus controllable. But that isn’t the reality.

An anxiety attack or panic attack is a definite physical response but it is to emotional triggers. Since I have had to endure lots of stressors throughout my life, my body is just prone to react in this manner. Now that I know that I have the potential to experience a panic attack, I can act accordingly and manage them. I am confident that this will not be something I experience for the rest of my life.

Thank God I have a therapist. She really helped me process all of this. I don’t think I would be able to make it through these tumultuous twenties without her. I know that sounds elitist and extremely New Millennium but I think everyone should go to counseling at some point in their lives - especially if you are one of those people who do not need to go. Those folks need it the most!

Post Mini-Breakdown

Ok, so yesterday was a pretty bad day but it got better. In the late afternoon I received a call for a second interview with an organization that is pretty cool. The interview is going to be on Friday so I am pleased with that. Also, I have wanted to be rid of my “asthma” and now I am rid of it. It is just not the way that I had envisioned it.

So, this is my life now. All I can do is deal with it as it comes. The Last Call hasn’t been called yet so there is always hope that things will improve (umm a Mimosa sounds really good now).

Thanks for all of the support.

Hateration

I hate Today. It sucks. Today I hate my job. Today I hate its mundane responsibilities. Today I hate my apartment. Today I hate its closet-like size, crappy carpet, and ugly furniture. Today I hate this city. Today I hate the awful memories of a supposed friend who didn’t take my “no” seriously and just did what he wanted. I hated seeing him at that wedding. Why was he invited anyway? Today I hate my life. Today it all sucks.

Friday I had an appointment with my doctor in hopes of getting my asthma under control. Last month I had tests to determine the extent of my respiratory problems. The test results surprised me. It seems that I do not have asthma after all. My lungs operate better than normal and there aren’t any physical reasons for my distress. In 2001 I was diagnosed with asthma and I always wondered why.

My doctor believes that I do not have asthma but that I am having panic attacks. After looking back on the times of my supposed asthma attacks, the doc’s diagnosis makes sense. My first asthma-induced hospitalization was a day after I was in a car accident. My last asthma-induced hospitalization was the night I broke up with Mr. X-Factor (after we’d spent a few hours in a smoky bar).

He wants to put me 1) on antidepressants 2) in therapy or 3) both. I am not with option 1 or 3. I am already in counseling so I feel extra wack about all of this. Does this current diagnosis mean that I am really crazy? Am I really unstable? I hate the fact that I have panic attacks. To me it is another sign of my powerlessness and weakness. Why do I have to have all of these issues? Why can’t I just be normal? I am so embarrassed. I am crazy. I hate all of this.

I Am In Love

I AM IN LOVE with a rocker I met last night. My girl sent me an email announcement about this R&B/Jazz/Rock band that was going to be playing at a local club. She couldn’t make it but I decided to roll anyway-dolo. I got there mega early so I decided to chill at the bar, order a beer, and watch the football game. As I was sitting there this dark stranger caught my eye. He is gorgeous- tall, dark, kinda nerdy looking, cool style. So, I play it cool. I chill and drink my beer.

So, the bands starts to warm up and he steps onto stage and begins to play the electric guitar. It was like the angels in heaven were singing in my ears. He played so beautifully [Sigh]. To make a long story short, after lots of eye contact and a spiritual connection, I feel in love last night watching him play his guitar. I was so high last night. It was as if I’d had me a lil’ session with my peoples (just say no to drugs children) although all I had was a couple of beers [Sigh]. I hope I see him again. He lives in a neighboring Capital city. He could then be my CityLove.

You may have the nerve to think as you are reading this, “she is a groupie”. To that I say, “f**k you” (with a smile, of course). I don’t care what you call me. I am in love with a rocker I met last night at a local dive. He played the guitar so beautifully it made me so high I didn’t want to c o m e d o w n.

Men love T&A. Women love Rock Stars and Athletes.

It's a Wonderful Life

Last night I had the privilege of attending my first Opera. I cannot adequately express my excitement as I watched the saga of Madame Butterfly unfold. I wanted to see this Opera for a couple of years now. As you may recall [“No Opera for this Butterfly”], I was disappointed with the prospect of not attending this season. But all good things come from the Lord as He provided a ticket for me through an unanticipated source. I pray that God blesses that person tremendously for their kindness.

As I waited for the Opera to begin, I ate dinner on a blanket overlooking rolling hills and plush green meadows and thought to myself, “How did I end up here?” Even during the Opera my mind keep going back to thoughts of gratefulness. The life that I lead now as a refined and cultured young woman is light years away from the life I lived in Section 8 housing, surviving on public assistance and handouts. I have been so blessed in my life that at times it all feels like a dream. I’ve had countless opportunities that have taken me to so many wonderful places-college and graduate school, upscale restaurants, hotels, and B&Bs, social organizations; from Michigan to New Mexico, from California to Florida, from Toronto to Nigril, and more.

For real, you don’t understand what it was like to be ME growing up-the constant struggles, the abuse, the pain, the hunger, the cold, the tremendous loss. During it all God was the only constant thing in my tumultuous life. When people hear my story they are amazed that I have accomplished so much. They usually attribute it to my hard work and focus. I always attribute it to God’s blesses and my family’s support.

It’s not that I never believed that I would be where I am today nor do not believe that I’ll be in more wonderful positions in the future. It is as if I am having an out-of-body experience sometimes. What a wonderful life I am privilege to lead with wonderful people and opportunities! The best is yet to come…

“Under three things the earth trembles,
under four it cannot bear up:
a servant who becomes king,
a fool who is full of food,
an unloved woman who is married,
and a maidservant who displaces her
mistress.”
~Proverbs 30:21-23

One of my 3 Dads

Today during my lunch hour I spoke with my biological father on the phone. He’s been trying to establish a relationship with me and my siblings for the past year. The first time I spoke to him was winter of 2000 when I was on the cusp of self-destructing from a difficult bout with depression. At the time, I believed he only came around because his father told him that I was suicidal and he didn’t want to be blamed for it. The SpermDonor (as my sister and I referred to him) was around for about a year and then dropped off again. I was pretty hurt by it but I hadn’t put too much weight into his return in the first place.

So, when he called me March of 2004 I was pretty shocked. But I wasn’t going to invested much into this relationship this time around. As of late, I have maintained a safe emotional distance from him because if he decides to disappear again, I’ll be prepared. Honestly, he has impressed me this time around. He is much more devoted and has really pursued me and my sister. He has even moved back to our hometown.

When we spoke today I was finally honest about my apprehensions and emotional disconnect. He totally understood but what he said next completely blew my mind. He said, “Whatever I need to do I’ll do it. I cannot imagine my life without you and your sister in it”.

Whoa. That statement is so deep to me. At first I thought I was hearing things but he repeated himself a few times. It was extremely powerful to me. I still have not completely let down my guard but it was good to hear him express my importance to him.

Post Wedding: Part II

Ok, this is an actual blog entry.

Married people really prefer to be with other married people. If you are an attractive single, then forget it! You’ll only see your girlfriend and hubby on national holidays. At the wedding today, the groom (whom I have known longer than the bride) offered me a pound/dap instead of a hug. I was like, “whoa”. What is that about? I gave his ass a hug anyway but felt so embarrassed for some reason. I couldn’t believe it. It was as if there was a set of social norms that I had missed or certainly hadn’t been told about.

Prior to that, I ran into M & M [another newly wed couple]. The groom is really good friends with a mutual male friend, Chris. He and his wife greeted me, took a quick picture, and before I could even form my lips to ask about my old homeboy, they exited. Again, I was like, “whoa”. What is going on?

I was so blown because I was never interested with either dude. I could understand if I was an X of either of them. I suspect that my singleness has burned a red S on my chest that all married couples can see and then do there best to avoid.

Bastards…

Post Wedding: Part I

I have been so busy lately so I haven’t had time to post a blog although I have been writing in my journal. So, I decided to post an entry that I wrote thousands of feet in the air during an airplane flight this past weekend.

I am on the plane leaving my T's wedding.

I don’t know why I am still single. As I think about it, I realize that I have not been in a long-term committed relationship since I was an undergrad. I have been in lots of random relationships that have taught me a lot about the ugly side of relationships. Mr. X-Factor had potential to be the redemption of all of those situations. But anyway…

In the weeks preceding this wedding I had been so excited for T. Today, when she walked out to meet her man at the altar she was beaming- so beautiful and joyful. The groom was extremely choked up and the ceremony was just beautiful. It was definitely one of the best weddings I have been to.

However, at some point I began to think, “damn, when it be my turn?”. I know this sounds foul but I couldn’t remain 100% happy at the wedding because I have my own relationship shit to deal with. Albeit, I LOVE BEING SINGLE, I dislike it as well. I like that I have exponential freedom to do whatever I want and go wherever I want to go without thinking of anyone but myself. However, I hate that I have become immensely selfish and self-centered. I also hate that I have to do everything for myself. I want some help! LIFE is so hard and it would be so much easier if I could rely on someone to help me carry the burden.

Sometimes, I get this strange feeling that I’ll wake up one day and be a 40-year-old singleton. I’ll walk outside. Go to my local café to get my daily soy chai latte and Washington Post and be greeted my usual elderly café attendant. He’ll serve me but think to himself, “she’s so pretty, so nice, seems accomplished; I wonder why she has no wedding ring on that finger.” At times, I get really afraid that my only consistent non-female relationship will be with Ben & Jerry. I don’t want to be a spinster. I also don’t want to be the neighborhood “cat lady”. But I am being very particular about what relationships I enter because I am not trying to be anyone’s “jump off” or “friend with privileges”.

I do realize that I do not want to be married right now. I am not ready for that. What I really want is one really good friend who I can be in an intimate relationship with. The title boyfriend doesn’t really encompass what I desire but for lack of a better description I propose that. I just want to have a really great friend whom I fall in love with and grow with and build with and then die with. Along the way, the marriage thing would occur. I don’t think that is too much to want.

No Opera for this Butterfly

Being an adult has enabled me to reach a plethora of realizations. First, I work to pay bills. Second, those in my life with a large amount of disposable income either 1) do not have bills or 2) do not pay them. The first realization really sucks as I thought that a $40,000+ salary would make me rich but in reality I am just making due. I pay all of my bills, put some money away in my savings account, drink and eat some of it, pay for a couple of incidentals, and then it is all gone.

For example, this month I really want to go to the Opera and see Madame Butterfly but I cannot. I have to fly to a Midwest wedding, purchase an expensive gift for a new baby in my family, buy new eyeglasses, take a professional exam to qualify for a professional license, and then apply for my new business’ license. That will suck up all of my August income. So, no Madame Butterfly for me.

I have rationalized this disappointment, though. Albeit, I may not get to go to the Opera this month, all of this hard work and delayed gratification will pay off. I cannot afford the Opera now but I am working towards being debt free in 20 years (damn you student loans!). This small sacrifice and small investments into my future will permit me to one day have a lifestyle that will enable me to go to the Opera at least once every season…

The joy and agony of being a grown-up.