Of Lost Loves...
Over the past year, I’ve wondered if I made a huge mistake in college when I broke up with my first love – Brendan. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I was focused on getting into graduate school and starting my career as this big wig environmental planner. I wanted to move to DC, make lots of money, live the suburbs, and become a member of the black bourgeoisie. I wanted a partner who was equally as ambitious and focused. He wasn’t quite there yet.
As a college basketball player, he wanted to pursue a career in the game in any stateside league that would permit him or either travel overseas. In my opinion, he had no plan. In my opinion, he didn’t have realistic goals. I guess at the end of the day, I didn’t believe in him and wanted him to focus on getting a good job in the business field. But that wasn’t his dream and eventually I lost interest in him and the relationship as I decided we were headed to two non-complimentary paths. So, I broke up with him our senior year.
I was a jerk; I realize that now. I was young and full of ideas and dreams of how I wanted my life to be (career, luxury cars, house, material things, status) not understanding that life is made valuable by the people you travel it with – and by the people you love and who in turn love you. I also wanted to test the other grass on other fields and see if they tasted as sweet and tender. Some of the grass did but most of it was bitter and tough.
A couple of weeks ago, I learned that Brendan is now engaged, living in NYC, and I assume quite over me and our college love. I tried to be happy for him and his life but I am conflicted with feelings of remorse and longing. I wonder how my life would now be if I had allowed our 3+ years college love evolved into a real, vibrant, grownup thang.
I know that I would have avoided some heartbreaks from lovers who never loved me. I know that I would have learned to put someone else’s needs above my own. I know that I would not be as sickingly selfish as I have become. I know that I would be better in some ways.
But I also now that because I stepped out on my own and took the world head on and without a partner I am stronger. I’ve had to be independent, creative, innovative, faithful, steadfast, determined, and courageous. I’ve had to learn to become me – the good & the bad, the inane & the fierce.
I wonder if Brendan would still like me – the grownup me. I wonder if he could still fall in love with me. I wonder if…I wonder.
As a college basketball player, he wanted to pursue a career in the game in any stateside league that would permit him or either travel overseas. In my opinion, he had no plan. In my opinion, he didn’t have realistic goals. I guess at the end of the day, I didn’t believe in him and wanted him to focus on getting a good job in the business field. But that wasn’t his dream and eventually I lost interest in him and the relationship as I decided we were headed to two non-complimentary paths. So, I broke up with him our senior year.
I was a jerk; I realize that now. I was young and full of ideas and dreams of how I wanted my life to be (career, luxury cars, house, material things, status) not understanding that life is made valuable by the people you travel it with – and by the people you love and who in turn love you. I also wanted to test the other grass on other fields and see if they tasted as sweet and tender. Some of the grass did but most of it was bitter and tough.
A couple of weeks ago, I learned that Brendan is now engaged, living in NYC, and I assume quite over me and our college love. I tried to be happy for him and his life but I am conflicted with feelings of remorse and longing. I wonder how my life would now be if I had allowed our 3+ years college love evolved into a real, vibrant, grownup thang.
I know that I would have avoided some heartbreaks from lovers who never loved me. I know that I would have learned to put someone else’s needs above my own. I know that I would not be as sickingly selfish as I have become. I know that I would be better in some ways.
But I also now that because I stepped out on my own and took the world head on and without a partner I am stronger. I’ve had to be independent, creative, innovative, faithful, steadfast, determined, and courageous. I’ve had to learn to become me – the good & the bad, the inane & the fierce.
I wonder if Brendan would still like me – the grownup me. I wonder if he could still fall in love with me. I wonder if…I wonder.
posted by JoiDoe @ 3:12 PM
1 Comments:
i didn't know your were even concerned about brendan! that's funny. not ha ha funny but weird funny. u should be happy for him and not wonder "what if." that was so long ago and 9 times out of ten y'all would have broken up anyway. atleast it was on terms that allow you to still be friendly to each other. most times break-ups leave people utterly broken, cold and hateful. thank God neither of you feel that way about each other! that would take away from the super-giving and considerate person that you are today.! and he would probably be so horrible to women that he wouldn't be happily engaged today. thank God not only for the acmicable break-up but also for the good memories and friendship you both share today.
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