The Blues

Today is a blah day. I am kinda sad. Already. I am lonely and I miss some people and some things. I also just realized that the guy I had been talking to is still not trustworthy. He has this internet personal ad that he keeps updating although he told me that he took it down. I just don't get it. Internet personal ads are so strange to me. I thought only perverts did it. Maybe he is a pervert and I just don't know. In any case, I have too much going on right now to be too concerned with it. I guess some things are meant to stay the same...

I have been up since the wee hours busy as bee. I am sitting my friend's baby (YAY!)in a few so I only have less than a few to say what's on my mind...

Last week, I went to my baby brother's gravesite. I'd never been there before. He died at 2 months when I was four and no one in my family talks about him or the death. I used to talk to Wes, my brother, a lot when I was little. Sometimes he would be a baby to me. Other times, he would be older. When I found where he was laid, I sat down and cried. I have ALWAYS missed him. When I was younger and things were bad at home, I would say to him, "Wes, you are so lucky to not be here and deal with [whatever was going on]". But now, I wish I could have him here with me. Even if he had to be sad sometimes because of family crap. He doesn't have a marker on his grave. Apparently, my mom and dad could not go through with it. So, I have decided to buy one for him. I told my parents and they are cool with my decision but would rather not be involved. I kinda understand but kinda do not. As respect, I want to buy him one. I want to be able to visit him and find his grave easily. I want him to be remembered in posterity. I dont want him to just be grass. I want his name, Brian Wesley Matthews, II, to be drawn in the earth. I have the marker picked out already. I think he would love the design and the thought...I went to visit the site again on yesterday and again I cried. This time the tears were less salty and more sweet. I am finding peace with my brother's lost memory and bringing his light back to us.