Bridges not to Cross
On Friday I received apology I have needed for two years. I feel finally liberated from countless cycles of forgive & forget v. remembrance & resentment. I tried to forgive in the absence of an apology and that is so hard to do. I always felt some pain when I would be reminded of him or when I’d run into him.
We started out as comrades in student activism during my stint in grad school. At first I hated his arrogance. However, he adored me from the start because of my bluntness and quick tongue. We grew from co-laborers to associates to dear friends. When his nephew was diagnosed with leukemia, I was one of the first people he told. I gave him my vulnerabilities. In front of him I was encouraged to take off my superwoman cape and just chill. Our friendship was magical and both intellectually and emotionally stimulating.
“Men and women can never just be friends because the sex part always gets in the way”, said Harry of When Harry Met Sally. Our friendship fell doomed to this fate. One night while talking life and listening to John Coltrane, he felt me up! I refused his advances and we had a long talk about boundaries. I am not sure how long after (a few days, a week, a few weeks) it was when I found myself making out with him. And we continued to make out over a course of months.
Now, I was very confused. I was not the least bit sexually attracted to him. I loved his brain, his heart, his ambition, his courage, and how he truly wanted to know my thoughts and philosophies. He was not at all my physical ‘type’ but he was a perfect friend. So I was very confused by the turn in our relationship. I didn’t want to do it but each time I did. I fell deeper and deeper. I hated being with him in that way but when I said no and he didn’t stop I just went along with it. I was conflicted.
To make things more complicated I began to rationalize that if I was his girlfriend those physical escapades wouldn’t be that bad. I could still have his brain and those deep conversations I loved and he could still have a physical piece of me. In hindsight, this is warped thinking considering I didn’t even want to be physical with him.
When I told him I’d no longer be physically intimate with him outside of a committed relationship, he balked. He said he wasn’t emotionally mature enough and he’d mess up and he wasn’t ready and blah blah blah. After one last make out session and then a very clear order from God, I ended the entire relationship.
One month later, I found out through the grapevine that he had a new girlfriend. I began to hate him and her.
We ran into each other Friday night and he tried to act as if we were the same friends of 2003. I told him I was not his friend and did not want to be his friend. I told him that I was still discontent with how things went down. To my surprise he said that he knew that what he did was wrong and he was sorry. I was taken aback. He asked if we could be friends again. I said no but that we could be associates. The entire situation taught me some hard lessons: 1) Harry is 80% right 100% of the time and 2) some bridges are not worth crossing.
We started out as comrades in student activism during my stint in grad school. At first I hated his arrogance. However, he adored me from the start because of my bluntness and quick tongue. We grew from co-laborers to associates to dear friends. When his nephew was diagnosed with leukemia, I was one of the first people he told. I gave him my vulnerabilities. In front of him I was encouraged to take off my superwoman cape and just chill. Our friendship was magical and both intellectually and emotionally stimulating.
“Men and women can never just be friends because the sex part always gets in the way”, said Harry of When Harry Met Sally. Our friendship fell doomed to this fate. One night while talking life and listening to John Coltrane, he felt me up! I refused his advances and we had a long talk about boundaries. I am not sure how long after (a few days, a week, a few weeks) it was when I found myself making out with him. And we continued to make out over a course of months.
Now, I was very confused. I was not the least bit sexually attracted to him. I loved his brain, his heart, his ambition, his courage, and how he truly wanted to know my thoughts and philosophies. He was not at all my physical ‘type’ but he was a perfect friend. So I was very confused by the turn in our relationship. I didn’t want to do it but each time I did. I fell deeper and deeper. I hated being with him in that way but when I said no and he didn’t stop I just went along with it. I was conflicted.
To make things more complicated I began to rationalize that if I was his girlfriend those physical escapades wouldn’t be that bad. I could still have his brain and those deep conversations I loved and he could still have a physical piece of me. In hindsight, this is warped thinking considering I didn’t even want to be physical with him.
When I told him I’d no longer be physically intimate with him outside of a committed relationship, he balked. He said he wasn’t emotionally mature enough and he’d mess up and he wasn’t ready and blah blah blah. After one last make out session and then a very clear order from God, I ended the entire relationship.
One month later, I found out through the grapevine that he had a new girlfriend. I began to hate him and her.
We ran into each other Friday night and he tried to act as if we were the same friends of 2003. I told him I was not his friend and did not want to be his friend. I told him that I was still discontent with how things went down. To my surprise he said that he knew that what he did was wrong and he was sorry. I was taken aback. He asked if we could be friends again. I said no but that we could be associates. The entire situation taught me some hard lessons: 1) Harry is 80% right 100% of the time and 2) some bridges are not worth crossing.
posted by JoiDoe @ 2:54 PM
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