Caught In the 20s...

Black Men Need to Step Up!

2007-04-13T10:48:00.001-04:00

Black rappers bare some responsibility for their hurtful and degrading lyrics as well. There is NO EXCUSE for the mysogynistic lyrics found in MOST rap lyrics. Black men need to STOP calling Black women hoes, tricks, bitches, etc.

Black Males are the only ethnic group in the US who use the media to degrade their women. Should it come as any surprise when males from other racial groups follow suit and continue the degradation? Hip hop music has long been a vehicle for Black men to systematically destroy the public image of black women; without any repercussions on the part of the perpetrators and (for the most part) without systemic community contest. In that music women (who are our community's mothers, sisters, nieces, daughters, etc.) are called 'hos', 'bitches', 'hoochies', 'broads', 'cunts', etc and both verbally (in the lyrics) and physically (in the videos and award show performances) treated as such.

Am I upset that the 'I-Man' called the women of the Rutgers B-ball squad "nappy-headed hos"? Of course! But where do I lay the blame? At the feet of the black men in our community who have failed – time and time again – to protect us. The collective absence of black male public protection of US black women leaves open wide the door for any male in the world to publicly debase and degrade African-American women of any class, age group, or profession.

Something about steven

2006-12-13T13:33:00.000-05:00

Hummm...

Of Lost Loves...

2006-12-07T15:12:00.000-05:00

Over the past year, I’ve wondered if I made a huge mistake in college when I broke up with my first love – Brendan. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I was focused on getting into graduate school and starting my career as this big wig environmental planner. I wanted to move to DC, make lots of money, live the suburbs, and become a member of the black bourgeoisie. I wanted a partner who was equally as ambitious and focused. He wasn’t quite there yet.

As a college basketball player, he wanted to pursue a career in the game in any stateside league that would permit him or either travel overseas. In my opinion, he had no plan. In my opinion, he didn’t have realistic goals. I guess at the end of the day, I didn’t believe in him and wanted him to focus on getting a good job in the business field. But that wasn’t his dream and eventually I lost interest in him and the relationship as I decided we were headed to two non-complimentary paths. So, I broke up with him our senior year.

I was a jerk; I realize that now. I was young and full of ideas and dreams of how I wanted my life to be (career, luxury cars, house, material things, status) not understanding that life is made valuable by the people you travel it with – and by the people you love and who in turn love you. I also wanted to test the other grass on other fields and see if they tasted as sweet and tender. Some of the grass did but most of it was bitter and tough.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned that Brendan is now engaged, living in NYC, and I assume quite over me and our college love. I tried to be happy for him and his life but I am conflicted with feelings of remorse and longing. I wonder how my life would now be if I had allowed our 3+ years college love evolved into a real, vibrant, grownup thang.

I know that I would have avoided some heartbreaks from lovers who never loved me. I know that I would have learned to put someone else’s needs above my own. I know that I would not be as sickingly selfish as I have become. I know that I would be better in some ways.

But I also now that because I stepped out on my own and took the world head on and without a partner I am stronger. I’ve had to be independent, creative, innovative, faithful, steadfast, determined, and courageous. I’ve had to learn to become me – the good & the bad, the inane & the fierce.

I wonder if Brendan would still like me – the grownup me. I wonder if he could still fall in love with me. I wonder if…I wonder.

People Fall Off the Face of the Earth/I Hate Relationships

2006-06-06T11:43:00.000-04:00

People fall off the face of the earth when they get into relationships. I can always sense when one of my associates/acquaintances/friends starts seeing someone romantically. They stopped calling, emailing, accepting invites to hang out, and so on. Although, I am happy for them, it sucks for me. I hate when people do that. I understand the need for them to cultivate a new interest in someone potentially "special" but can human beings ever have balance?

Here is an excerpt of an email I recieved today. One of my male friends had fallen from the face of the earth and I internally guessed that he must be seeing someone. To my surprise I receive 2 phone calls from him in two days. I finally send him an email just to say what's up and let him know that he had been blowing me off lately. Here is his response:

"Yea, I would like to catch up soon..Honestly, I'm in a new relationship and trying to spend as much time with her as possible these days. I still hang out, but I've stopped chillin with a number of females because I just have to purpose hangin with anymore...I don't wanna be the friend who drops everyone when they are in a relationship. So, I'm glad you are doing well. Talk to you soon. "

I hate relationships because you loose your friends.

Addictive Personalities

2006-05-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

Last week, I met up with this dude at a local bar. During our conversation he told me that he has a very addictive personality – alcohol, cigarettes, partying, etc. That wasn’t hard for me to believe because I can see that in how he relates to me. Although I never call him, he continues to aggressively pursue me without any reciprocity on my part. Anyway, that personal reflection caused me to think about my own addictions – past and present. I think many people can say that they battle being addicted to vices. Most of us can at least relate being addicted and then overdosing on something that was initially good.

At various times I become “addicted” to things, events, places, etc. Last fall, I was addicted to Carmello candy bars. I couldn’t go into a convenience store and NOT purchase one or two. I couldn’t help myself. It was as if they were calling my name. Another period, I was addicted to smoking. So, for 2 or 3 months I smoked almost everyday. Then I dropped the habit.

Once I was addicted to a man (actually a few times) and I did all kinds of crazy/stupid things (drive him to pick up one of his 3 kids, play the position of ‘main girl’ while I subconsciously knew he had others, and braid his hair for free while I charged other men $20). Again, it was as if that man had some voodoo-induced hold on me. I was addicted to just the scent of him. I yearned for him. Then one day I decided that I didn’t want to be bothered any more and stopped taking his calls.

Now I am addicted to activity. Although I currently work on average more than 40 hours a week at my full-time job, attend volunteer and church activities, I picked up a part-time gig. I just have to be busy. Right now, I cannot be still. I have to be into something at all times. Sometimes, when I get off my part-time late at night, I may go to a coffee shop or go to a bar just to have something else to do. I am also finding myself being drawn to yet another man (the beginning stages of addiction). Although he is not “Mr. Right” he is certainly “Mr. Right Now” and my body responds at the thought of him. He is just too damn cool. I wonder if he knows he has that effect on me. Maybe I should go cold turkey before I get in too deep. I can always keep myself busy by picking up another job…

2006-04-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

If you had knowledge that you were only going to live for short while longer, what would you do? Would you quit your job? Would you confess to that long lost love how much you miss them? Would you take that trip that you have put off for years? Would you tell anyone that you were going to die soon?

I try to live each day to the fullest but in my heart I know that I do not. I cheat life by borrowing time from tomorrow casting my hopes of a more fulfilling life onto another day. Some of what I want most before I die is to put my toes in wet sands, run against the wind, and sing songs loudly and robustly, hug my daddy, take another extra long road trip, attend another great concert, learn how to cook crepes, look into my children’s eyes and say “I love you”, and watch spectacular sunsets on the porch with my soulmate.

Some of these things I can do today. Some of these I cannot. But the sentiment is to live each day better than the next, to smile a bit more in spite of the trials, to forgive more and more, and to love more fully and completely this life that God has given me.

A Random Compliment

2006-04-12T11:12:00.000-04:00

Last night, I went to this bar to hear my favorite DJ and had an absolute grand time. It really solidified why being in your 20s is one of best times in your life. After slurping down an Amstel Light or two I recieve the strangest compliment. I was waiting in line to use the ladies room and this older white-haired gentlemen reaches over to shake my hand. He looks at me and either says, "You are one handsome fool" or "You are a handful of cool". He was drunk. I was knocking on drunk's door so who knows what he said. I just laughed...

Untitled

2006-03-31T16:58:00.000-05:00

Most people i come in contact with are wack. their wackness is so obvious to me. i wonder if it is obvious to them. i think my relative personal cool factor is too high for most people...

CON-TRO-L

2006-01-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

Men are the devil. I swear. I just may be single for the rest of my life-by choice. Allow me to explain my reasoning. Last night, my sister comes into the kitchen in the worst funk. She is rude to me, yells, and then goes upstairs into her bedroom. I am left at a lost, wondering what sparked it. A half an hour goes by and one of my friends arrive. He joins me in the living room and we start talking. I hear her bedroom door open, footsteps on the stairs, and then see her appear with tears streaming down her face. She plops down onto the couch beside our friend, puts her head on his shoulder, and weeps. We both look at each other stunned.

Of course we ask her what is wrong and ask why she is crying. She just continues to weep. In an attempt to lighten the mood (and cut to the chase) I jokingly ask, “Did CJ dump you”. She cries all the more. “Humm”, I think to myself. She and CJ are not a couple. They are just dating so he obviously could not have dumped her. “So, he must have done something wrong” I continue thinking to myself. Then she belts out, “He doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend”. Al and I just stare at each other and she continues to weep.

To make a long story short, men are horrible. She and CJ have been “hanging out” and “dating” for 4 months now. He asked her to move to Atlanta with him when he finished his deployment in a year. She lives and breathes CJ. Most of the time it is super annoying to me but I tolerate it because she says that she is in love. Hummm. Now, she is in love with him and ready to marry him at the drop of a hat but he isn’t even interested in being her boyfriend. Humm. This was too familiar to me so I withdrew any emotional impulse to look at both sides of the story. I told her to leave him alone.

Al eventually leaves and she goes back upstairs with a bottle of champagne. I hear Mary J. Blige bellowing out of her room. When I go into her bedroom she tells me to leave her alone. I tell her to be strong and to not give her night away to depression and sadness over a dude who clearly is an idiot because he is leading her on. She yells for me to leaver her alone. So I leave her bedroom. About 45 minutes later I hear her on the phone. Then a little later, I hear her laughing with the person on the other line. I knew it was CJ. “What an idiot she is”, I thought to myself as I lay down to sleep while hearing her voice in the other room.

This morning, she began to talk about him, beginning to explain that it was a mistake and that while he did say he didn’t want her to be his girlfriend it wasn’t exactly what he meant. Again, this was too familiar so again I removed all emotional impulse to be sympathetic. I told her to not be a fool. I was very angry at her and at the situation but I could not understand why I was so angry. It wasn’t until I got into my car that I realized that I was angry because I felt as if I was looking into a mirror.

For two years, I allowed myself to be tossed and turned by the emotional inconsistencies of X-Factor. Humm. When he wanted to be committed I was there. When he didn’t want to be committed I was there. At all times, he dangled commitment and marriage before me like a carrot and I was a hungry bunny rabbit. I foolishly followed that carrot not caring that I could never have a bite. Hummm. So, I was angry because it wasn’t my sister that was being a fool. It was me, the fool, who for two years put a man in the center of my life and allowed his fancies to dictate my feelings, priorities, and plans. I never want to be that way ever again nor be in that situation again. In hindsight, it was truly a horrible place to be. I always wanted a title and he never gave me that. He wanted a pseudo-relationship. I wanted and needed the real thing.

My sister may be a fool but I need to detach my personal emotional baggage from her situation and be there for her. CJ may not be a loser or a liar or any negative thing. He is an individual and in relationships individuals go through things. I need to support her as long as she decides to stick it out. That is what she always did for me.

Yo, God is Faithful

2006-01-13T14:48:00.000-05:00

“Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him”. Hebrews 11:6

So, I have been unemployed (full-time) since September. At times since, I have been stressed out some days and at peace other days. When I took that step to leave that last work situation (which had become hell on earth) I knew in my heart that God was going to take care of me. I left without a replacement job, a place to live, or any formal plan (other than my 3 weeks of road tripping and filing an unemployment claim with the employment commission). I just had enough faith in my spirit to walk away from a lot of money, a lot of security, and a lot of stress. The passion for urban planning and the city was just too much for me to ignore.

Needless to say, my mom thought I was crazy and my sister said that I should have made more plans. I got tired of sleeping on the couch (a tough 2 weeks) and not having enough money to do everything I wanted. At times I felt like an idiot when I received another rejection letter in the mail or had to tell someone that I was “in transition” and not working full-time. But I knew in my heart that God was going to doing something big for me. So I waited and prayed and waited some more. As you know, I even began interning for free and waiting tables to pay the bills. Every month, I was able to pay all of my bills and though at one point I had lost 10 lbs, I still manage to eat healthy and sufficiently.

It all has been worth it as yesterday I got an offer for a full-time position in Richmond with an urban planning consulting firm. I am so excited. The position entitles just about everything I want to learn and do. Our clients work for the “little guy” and are able to build capacity and creatively implement change. God has really blessed me!

Also, I get to live in a real urban area again where I can hear some good live music, go to plays and museums, and bike to work (if I am not wearing a pencil skirt and Nine West heels that is). I think my life is just beginning again…28 is going to be the shiznitttt!!! Maybe I’ll get a boyfriend (opps, I guess I just dropped one of my New Year Resolutions).

I am now 28...

2006-01-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, January 7, I turned 28 years old. I am actually still in shock on some level. I cannot believe that time has flown by so quickly. It seems as if just yesterday I was in undergrad living carefree: chilling with my home girls, pledging my sorority, cheering for my basketball-playing boyfriend at his games, drinking excessively, going to parties, and taking some time out to go to a class or two.

It is as if the last 6 years have been a dream…but they have been highlighted by some keen moments. I have had some very exciting times and some very difficult times as well. My approach to life has been to live it in moments and at the culmination of my life to be able to have some really great stories told. The folks I was blessed to share those great moments would be the people that have had the most significant impact on my life.

So, this weekend I pondered the best moments of my 28 years and the things I still want to do and accomplish. I can say that if I died today I have a lived a life to be proud of. I have loved and lost, laughed and cried, planned and accomplished, conceded and fought, and for the most part lived life completely unscripted. I’ll share some of the highlights that I thought about on my birthday. Now, all of these are not the top highlights, just some thoughts that came to my mind. Also, they are not in any chronological order.

1. Driving to Toronto with 2 Mel and Amy to see John Mayer live (I love him). The Canadians were so rude to us all weekend (we got cussed out 3 times without provocation!!!). I responded by acting like a dumb American. Everywhere we went I asked if they accepted American money. They were so pissed.
2. Going to an NERD concert with my twin, and two friends. They were my favorite band at the time and we had a ball! I was beautiful and the company was perfect. My twin and I were in VIP before the show started and drunkenly talked Chad’s ear off. It was classic.
3. Completing graduate school at UVA. I really busted my ass in graduate school. I earned straight A’s two out of the four semesters I was there.
4. Storming President Torgeson’s office at Virginia Tech as an undergraduate student. A racial incident occurred and the administration’s response was not appropriate (in many students’ opinion) so we stormed the President’s office. It was my first act of civil disobedience and a defining moment in my life. I wasn’t the ring leader but I was definitely on the administration’s radar after that. Many of my friends and associates began to jokingly call me Angela Davis and Rosa Parks.
5. Performing a dance in tribute to my Grammie at our family reunion. It made her very happy.
6. Taking a train ride from Virginia to California (a total of 6 days). It was horrible! At one point I had to sit beside this Asian dude who kept farting without ever saying ‘excuse me’! Argh. It was so horrible. I’d never do it again nor subject my kids to do it.
7. Rededicating my life to Christ in 2003. It completely changed my life. It was such a supernatural event. I cannot even explain it.
8. Driving from Detroit to Virginia in an SUV packed with all of my worldly possessions. There was stuff in the front seat and we couldn’t use the rearview window. It was classic. At one point, I almost drove off a cliff. At that moment, all I could think was, “if I kill us, everyone is going to hate me for killing Rashad”. Classic moment. After that, I wasn’t permitted to drive for the remainder of the trip.
9. Seeing my nephew born. I saw the entire thing! My views on childbirth were completely changed. It was horrific, violent, and gross. But it was definitely a miracle. During the delivery I kept thinking, “a baby is supposed to come out of there?” This may seem so stupid but I was expecting her entire vagina to expand and then the baby would slide on out. That did not happen. That dude busted his way out. Blood, guts, more blood, and then my darling nephew. Wow. I am not going to have the 5 kids I wanted when I was a little girl. I am going to adopt.
10. Losing my virginity. It was a beautiful moment in a very committed relationship. Although, you should want until you are married and all, I don’t regret having that experience. It was perfect.
11. Standing in line with my homie Shawn for 6 hours in the freezing cold and dead of night waiting to going into Rosa Park's viewing. It occurred to me mid-way through 6 hours wait that her body probably wasn't even in the casket and how that fact changes the entire magnitude of what I was doing. But, hey at that point I could see people at the front of the line (although they were the size of ants) so I couldn't leave then. At least I was a part of history.
12. Spending a year in Detroit doing Missions work. So many things happened: twisting my ankle during an attempt to D-up a kid in a pick up basketball game, meeting crazy homeless people, going to the Pistons Parade after they won the NBA championship, learning how to drive in the snow, and establishing longstanding relationships.
13. Going to a Sacramento Kings game then having my and Rashad’s face plastered on the arena’s jumbo sized television screen. It was the official NBA KissCam and I had to kiss him in front of thousands of people. I have never been more scared in my life!!! I blank out but from what I vaguely remember, I lean over and kiss him and then he opens his mouth a bit and then I open my mouth and I inadvertently slip him some tongue…enough said. I was so embarrassed that I could have died right there. Classic.

New Year Disolutions

2005-12-30T13:08:00.000-05:00

Well, it is that time of year again where everyone on the planet above the age of 10 will be asked, "so, what are your new year's resolutions?". There was a time in my life when I did not make them. I was a pretty wise teenager who knew that most of those vows were forgotten by the end of Febuary and therefore were ineffective and simply a waste of time, thought, and energy. Fast forward to today where I have decided to make a few resolutions. They are things I need to do anyway so I may as well get started as soon as possible.

I only have 3 New Year Resolutions and I really hope that I can stick them out. As most resolutions, these will greatly improve my life.

Resolution #1: Let Go of My Vice (i.e. quite smoking)
This is quite an embarrassing admission. I am a closet smoker. I have been since the summer. Only 2 people on earth know that I smoke. I never smoke when people I know are around me or can potentially see me. I make sure that I never smell like smoke either. I don't smoke traditional American cigarettes. I smoke Indian cigarettes which I have discovered contain nicotine as well. They look just like regular cigarettes too. And I am kinda hooked. I always told myself not to smoke cigarettes but these seemed so much different. However, my body has told me otherwise. I have not smoked in two weeks and I am straight for now. I know exactly why I started and I know my triggers. Actually, this is going to be a tough one to break.

Resolution #2: Stop Being Pressed To Be In a Relationship
Another embarrassing admission...I hate to admit it but for a while I have been pressed for a relationship [gasp]. Due to a situation I totally let myself get into, I became fixated on the idea of being a couple [sigh]. It hasn't worked out so I need to move on! No more obsessing over the past. Time to move on into the future. So, my resolution is to get to a place of contentment. I need to be satisfied being single and learn to have fun as a singleton. In that vein, I also deleted that stupid Yahoo Personal Ad that I made and posted yesterday. I am NOT going to try to create or manipulate something. I am going to CHILL and let love come to ME in its time. :)

Resolution #3: Laugh More
My absolutely favorite thing to do is LAUGH and honestly I cannot remember when I had a really good belly-aching, red-faced, cheek-tighten laugh. Actually, I had one last week but before then I don't recall. Lately, I have had to force the laugh. I need to figure this one out. Maybe I just haven't been as happy as I'd like or maybe I am not around funny people. Anyway, I commit myself to one good laugh a day in the New Year.

So, those are the resolutions for 2006. Good luck with yours...

I'm Baaack!

2005-12-29T09:58:00.000-05:00

YO, I am back. Sorry that it has been so long. Life had me in a head lock so to speak. There was too much going on. I decided to take a starving artist approach to my life and so I wait tables part-time and intern with a city planning department part-time. The restaurant pays some bills and the internship is giving me much needed work experience. Hopefully, this balancing act will pay off with a full-time urban planning gig early next year.

In light of the holiday season, I submit my "12 Highlights of the Holiday Season" so you can be caught up with your favorite character caught in the 20s. They are:

1) Arguing everyday with my sister/roommate over mail, gloves, or purses left on the dining room table.
2) Going to bars and getting mildly intoxicated with aforementioned sister/roommate and laughing at Virginia's fashion statements (I think I hear it saying 'ewww'), and ignoring wierd men.
3) Waiting tables at a fine dining restaurant part-time. The time I dropped a tray of coffee and water on that old couple was especially dramatic.
4) Goofing off at my urban planning internship to set up a Yahoo Profile full of random information as a emotional payback to X-Factor.
5) Watching hours of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' as it reminds me of X-Factor.
6) Being extra red in the face when a guy trys to holla at me while I am in the pharmacy line trying to purchase some personal products. I give him my number just to make him go away before the cashier asks to ring up my item. He wasn't even cute. Who would holla at someone while they are in the drugstore pharmacy line anyway? It is just rude and an invasion of privacy.
7) Getting lots of Christmas gifts (can you believe it?). Maybe complaining to everyone in my family about not getting gifts last year did the trick.
8) Having a random arguement with my mother on Christmas night, leaving the house pissed, and laughing it off at the movies watching "Fun With Dick and Jane". (hilarious movie; I think am in love with Jim Carrey. I'd go out with him in a heartbeat)
9) Being incredulous that aforementioned mother is super excited about automatic toilets and faucets at a rest stop. I inform mother that she must get out more. The hood is just not big enough.
10) Purchasing lots of presents for loved ones. I love surprising people and at Christmas you have the perfect chance.
11) Having tons of fun with X-Factor during Thanksgiving festivities (including a conversation full of his loving devotion to me and plans to marry me) only to be in the midst of a disagreement during Christmas. Since he is mad at me I didn't get a Christmas gift on Christmas. It was delivered to my apartment last night! This dude is major drama but of the "OC" type. I can't even discuss why he is mad at me. It would blow your mind at his selfishness.
12) Telling a crazy stalker very bad dude (that is also an X) that I would call the police if he didn't stop contacting me and leaving messages on my phone; including him playing Musiq's song "half crazy" on my voicemail. He is "LifeTime" Channel Drama.

Well, that's enough for now. Random co-workers are stopping by my office (I'm at my internship) to have equally random conversations about the holidays, the virus they caught, and their crazy family members. Like I care. I wish they could read my mind. I think they'd hear "leave me alone I am trying to blog".

'Tis the Season

2005-11-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

So, it is almost the holiday season and I am fluctuating between extreme excitement and dread. I want to be in the holiday spirit this year because almost each year since college I have met each season with depression. I have been like Charlie Brown in "A Charlie Brown Christmas". I had the blues but couldn't always put my finger on it.

In recent years I have realized that the root of the dread and depression is the realization that I am not going to get any good gifts. Since I am grown my parents have ceased giving me anything more exciting than pajamas and underclothes. When I am single during the season I get nothing romantic or sentimental. Since my sisters are still working towards financial security they cannot offer me any good goods. So, can you see why I am usually depressed during this time? I get nothing for being good all year. Maybe I should start being bad...

This year for Christmas all I really want is an IPod. I don't care if it is the older version. I don't need the NANO. I just want an IPod. If I cannot get the IPod, I'd like a cashmere sweater, an Emeril or Rachel Ray Cookbook, and an apron. I guess most of my gift options are expensive so that's why I don't get anything. But I have a specific taste and sometimes my taste is expensive. I cannot help that. I don't like cheap crap. But I always enjoy eclectic gifts and jewerly (i love handmade, one-of-a-kind pieces!) and books that don't cost a lot. I like the thought mostly.

What I hate are gift cards though. Last year the ONLY Christmas present I got was a $20 gift card for Best Buy. I bought a Maroon 5 CD and a CD Holder for my car visor. I still enjoy both today but I would have preferred to have recieved both as gifts instead of the gift card. It may sound like I am picky but once you know me you know what I can appreciate THOUGHTFULNESS and not always the monetary value.

If all else fails, I hope that at least I get a great bottle of wine for Christmas. Then I can put John Coltrane's "My Favorite Things" on repeat, make a Christmas 'everyday gourmet' supper, and drink myself into a happy stupor. 'Tis the Season! Blah Blah Blah!

The Blues

2005-11-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

Today is a blah day. I am kinda sad. Already. I am lonely and I miss some people and some things. I also just realized that the guy I had been talking to is still not trustworthy. He has this internet personal ad that he keeps updating although he told me that he took it down. I just don't get it. Internet personal ads are so strange to me. I thought only perverts did it. Maybe he is a pervert and I just don't know. In any case, I have too much going on right now to be too concerned with it. I guess some things are meant to stay the same...

I have been up since the wee hours busy as bee. I am sitting my friend's baby (YAY!)in a few so I only have less than a few to say what's on my mind...

Last week, I went to my baby brother's gravesite. I'd never been there before. He died at 2 months when I was four and no one in my family talks about him or the death. I used to talk to Wes, my brother, a lot when I was little. Sometimes he would be a baby to me. Other times, he would be older. When I found where he was laid, I sat down and cried. I have ALWAYS missed him. When I was younger and things were bad at home, I would say to him, "Wes, you are so lucky to not be here and deal with [whatever was going on]". But now, I wish I could have him here with me. Even if he had to be sad sometimes because of family crap. He doesn't have a marker on his grave. Apparently, my mom and dad could not go through with it. So, I have decided to buy one for him. I told my parents and they are cool with my decision but would rather not be involved. I kinda understand but kinda do not. As respect, I want to buy him one. I want to be able to visit him and find his grave easily. I want him to be remembered in posterity. I dont want him to just be grass. I want his name, Brian Wesley Matthews, II, to be drawn in the earth. I have the marker picked out already. I think he would love the design and the thought...I went to visit the site again on yesterday and again I cried. This time the tears were less salty and more sweet. I am finding peace with my brother's lost memory and bringing his light back to us.

The Employment Commission Needs a New Job

2005-11-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

Yo, I am getting unemployment compensation [GASP]. Until I get my career in urban and environmental planning off the ground, I am living off of my savings and my weekly checks from the unemployment taxes my past employer had to pay. One of my friends suggested I do this once I left my job. This is like the worker's version of being in an inept welfare to work program. Every week I have to inform the Employment Commission that I am "actively seeking employment" and report the places I have applied to or have contacted to inquire about job opportunities. Now, I understand the need for accountability but if they really wanted to be helpful I could give them a few ideas.

Instead of them having to read the Unemployed's weekly updates on their website or listen to the recorded phone messages we the Unemployed leave, they should use their energy in helping us obtain employment. I could really us a "Career Counselor" or an "Employment Agent" or a "Job Broker". I need someone to help me market myself to government agencies and to plead my case before Human Resource Departments. I could really use someone on my side with a complete focus on getting a smart sista hired! I mean, really! I want to work. The issue is that my career is such a small niche and retention is really high. There isn't a lot of turnover in the urban and environmental planning field.

So, instead of the Employment Commission pushing papers all day, perhaps they (or one of them) should come with me each day as I pound the pavement with my resume and coverletter in hand. That is a much better job for them to do!

OK, Lord

2005-11-14T14:26:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that most of the journal entries nowadays begin with "OK, Lord" or "So, Lord". So have my prayers. You see, I am stuck in front of this huge mountain and I do not know how to move it. So, I now pray with a heart of disperation. A quick update is due:

I am unemployed. The first month was awesome. Now I am bored and frustrated. Can you believe that I have 2 degrees yet I cannot get a job within my chosen career? I cannot either. I want to make a difference in people's lives so I chose a noble profession but maybe I should have chosen something more broad. I am frustrated. I want a career and not a job. But I am bored so I am going to have to do something very soon. I may start to wait tables at a bar or subsitute teach. But I want to be in my chosen career. Patience is a virtue that I do not have right now.

I am also tired of being single! I want to go out on a date. Oh, there is this really attractive guy in this computer lab (I am in the public library because I am too poor to get DSL in my new apartment). Maybe he'll ask me out...Maybe not. He is too hot to not be dating someone already. Also, I look young for my age so he may think I am 20 and pass on approaching me. [Sigh]. And I NEVER approach a guy. I dont have the guts...

Last night, my sister (my new roommate :)) was so incredulous when I told her I'd date a very old man. I have the biggest crush on Douglas Wilder (first black VA Governor). I think he is so handsome and distinguished. I like older men because they have their lives together. Half the men my age are a lost cause. I may be going to the VA Gubernatorial Inaguration Ball if one of my associates gets an invite. He wants to take me. Maybe I can land a really hot and disguished older gentleman then...or at least be introduced to Doug.

I have started my love affair with my guitar again. I am going to get official lessons very soon. I am having fun learning it again although my fingers cramp really badly. It is worth it.

To use this time of unemployment productively, I am planning a mentoring program. My first meeting with my co-leaders is tonight. I really want this to be a minstry targeted at young black women.

Ok, Lord, and the rest of you all out there. I am leaving the public library now...I have some resumes to mail out. The cute guy hasn't said anything to me yet so I live to fight another Singleton's day. LOL.

peace.

Great Things About Being Thirty

2005-10-12T16:19:00.000-04:00

I was watching a VH1 show called "Great Things About Being Thirty". One of the items on the list was the ability to rid oneself of a "Things to do before I turn thirty" list. I didn't realize that some folks had them. Since I am a list maker and kinda compulsive I decided to add more excitement and pressure to my life by making a list of my own. Here is it...

1) Road trip to Cali, Vegas, or Vancouver. I live on the East Coast so this would be an amazing trip!
2) Learn how to swim. It was on my list for this past summer but I couldn't get into any class in my city.
3) Get book published. I have a book of great poety (doesn't everyone say that?) that I need to get out into the world.
4) Pierce something other than my ears or get another tattoo.
5) Purchase first piece of real estate.
6) Establish real estate investment business.
7) A secret (and NO it is NOT to get married!)

Instead of Working Some Crappy Job, I Think I Would Like to Take An Extended Road Trip

2005-10-10T17:15:00.000-04:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve written about the saga of my life. From the last entry until now I’ve made some major changes:
1) I left my job and that asshole of a boss (I hope the earth beneath his feet opens up and swallows him whole)
2) I moved out of my apartment
3) I relocated most of my worldly possessions into a storage facility that I am renting for $50 a month.
4) I moved in with my mom and stepfather
5) I am taking one month to travel, rest, read, refocus and think about this life I am creating
6) I am ready to be done with this 20something life and move onto the 30s where I believe my life will have settled down

All in all, I am very happy right now. There haven’t been any anxiety attacks or high levels of stress. Although, I have become that chick on the couch and at times feel as if I am a cliché. I am a 20something trying to figure out life. In any case, I have learned a few things:
1) Sleeping on your mom’s couch can be problematic if you are taller than 5’3’’
2) One’s shoulder and back can suffer a great deal, however, do to youth, you can recover quite quickly
3) The living room can offer lots of privacy as you have it all to yourself between the hours of 10:30 p.m. – 7:00 a.m.

In all honesty, I am not plagued with feelings of loserdom nor that I acted irresponsibly. I feel very brave. I left a bad situation (previous job=asshole boss + no real commitment to the field on my part) to free myself up to do what I really want to do (urban planning/affordable housing/travel/culinary wizard/wine connoisseur/driving long distances/thinking/being utterly random and eccentric).

So what’s the plan-the real plan? This month I am mainly regrouping because this past year I have become a bit unglued. But I am also studying for a professional examination that I’ll take the first week of November, teaching myself to play the guitar, work on my business that I’d like to have running before I turn 30, get a mentoring program outlined, and cultivate specific relationships (personal and professional). You know that I cannot sit around all day watching VH1 or CNN. I’ll go crazy. I have to constantly do something productive with myself.

Right now I am 4.5 hours from my mom’s house visiting with my sister and her children. Next week, I’ll be 7 hours away visiting some family and a friend. For both weeks I am getting some bed action. No sleeping on the couch for at least 2 weeks. At this stage in the game, it is the small things that count.

More updates to come on this tumultuous yet exciting life caught in the 20s…

George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People

2005-09-23T16:53:00.000-04:00

Check out the music video
http://www.theblacklantern.com/

Trying to Live a Life to be Proud Of

2005-09-16T12:42:00.000-04:00

I am leaving my job a week from today. I have no current backup plan. Nothing has yet panned out. I am still interviewing and looking for a gig that will get me into the urban planning/affordable housing field. Eight days from now, I may potentially be unemployed. Am I afraid? Am I nervous? Am I crazy? Kinda. Sorta. Absolutely.

I am an avid planner but I am learning that no matter what you plan or how you plan or how effective your plan is sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. It is that simple. I just gotta do my best, follow my heart, and live a life that I can be proud of. I have to take chances.

I am reading this dope book, NO MORE PRISONS, by William Upski Wimsatt. It is thought-provoking, engaging, and challenging. Here is an appropriate snippet…

“I look at my friends who graduated college. Most of them are paying off debts now, riding the conveyor belt into graduate school, and selecting their mates from unnecessarily narrow pools. They are mid-life crises waiting to happen. Or maybe they won’t even have mid-life crises. Maybe they’ll just get stuck. Geniuses at following directions, they have little direction of their own. They’re good at fitting into structure but they have little idea how to change the big picture. Some of them feel their narrow field is the big picture. They have no idea whether they’d be happier doing something else.

I prefer to have my mid-life crises now—early and often. I quit college in the middle of my Junior year and enrolled as a student at the The University of Planet Earth, the world’s oldest and largest educational institution. It has billions of professors, tens of millions of books, and unlimited course offerings. Tuition is free. There are no degrees and no one ever graduates.

Students pose their own questions and design their own curriculum.
Here is my question:
How can I commit the most good and the least evil in my lifetime?
Here is my curriculum:
“Live in a different play every year: D.C., Oakland, New York, L.A., a farm, and somewhere in the South. Play a different sport every day of the week, preferably with a different ethnic group: Basketball with blacks, martial arts with Chinese, capoeira with Brazilians, soccer with some of everyone, tennis with WASPs, etc. Every Sunday attend a different place of worship. Every day get to know someone new. Volunteer, attend lectures, talk to strangers on the street. Seek out hundreds of role models and mentors. The rest of the time, go to the library, read whatever I want, take notes and make charts. Create my own personal bible, almanac and telephone book. For discipline, live in high-crime neighborhoods. That ought to keep a gun to my head. Save up enough to travel to a different continent each year; otherwise, work as little as possible. Do that for five years. That will be my freshman survey course. Then I’ll have a better idea of what to do as a sophomore.”

Searching for Solutions Among Bureaucratic Bullshit

2005-09-13T11:19:00.000-04:00

What can I do? What can I do? I am constantly asking myself this question as I am reminded of my brothers and sisters suffering from the many facets of the destruction left by Hurricane Katrina. As you all know there are countless challenges that the survivors have to face each day – food, shelter, employment, finding loved ones, identifying the dead, rebuilding. All day I ask myself, “what can I do?” I feel so hopeless on many levels. I wish I could build safe and affordable homes for every displaced family. I wish I could reunite every family. I wish I could rebuild the roads and revitalize each broken community. I want to give a huge, warm, and comforting hug to everyone hurting. I desire for us as a family of humanity to learn what can happen when we are ill-prepared and when we discount the ramifications of poverty and sin.

My sister & friends arrived in our homestate just this morning and when she gets her bearings she’ll write some entries documenting her experience in Baton Rouge, LA. Relief efforts down there are fragmented, drowned in bureaucratic and organizational politics/bullshit, and disorganized. So much still needs to be done. I’ll upload some pictures as well.

My strongest sentiments lie with Kanye’s remarks. They basically sum up my analysis of the entire situation thus far. I am not sure when or if the legacy of this event will diverge from his passionate statements. http://www.deadlykatrina.com/Kayne-West-Slams-Bush.wmv

His "unpatriotic" approach and boldness reminds me of the time one of my best friends was seeking employment with an intellegence agency. I was serving as a character reference for him/her and I needed to give them my social security number. In response I said the wildest, most random, and generationally unacceptable phrase every uttered by a then-bohemian wild child, "I hate the pigs!". It was random and not called for but it really spoke to what I felt. Kanye is my brother for life for being so bold.

You're Fired!

2005-09-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

I am thinking that I am done with counseling. I just called my therapist to tell her that I am finished. I have been going for almost 5 months now and I feel as if I have maxed out what I can get out of it. The issues for which I sought therapy for are under control. Although I am still am not the healthiest person emotionally I have learned some skills to help me effectively handle certain situations. If truth be told I am in much better condition than most of my friends and associates. The fact of the matter is that most people need to seriously seek psychiatric help. Only fifty percent of those people do. So, I am well above the curve right now.

Life is so hard. There are so many things to deal with – relationships, finances, health, dreams, careers, catastrophic natural disasters, the real estate market, obligations, unknown variables, etc. Most of these things you cannot control so you have to learn to be flexible, adaptable, and comfortable with huge changes and scrapped plans. I’ve learned that there are just periods when you are emotionally and mentally maxed out and cannot deal with LIFE anymore. That’s normal.

This year, I had to deal with a crack addicted dad, a very disappointing and stressful job situation, an end to a significant relationship, asthma that was really anxiety, and the Pistons losing the NBA Championship. I am human and not superhuman and I couldn’t handle all of that going on at the same time. Talking to an objective person for an hour and half a week was extremely critical to me maintaining my sanity. This has been hell of a year but I am stronger for it. For lack of better words I am ‘healed’ from those demons of despair and confusion. Things are much clearer now and life lessons learned.

Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-07T16:59:00.000-04:00

YO, my sister is going down to Louisiana with a caravan of other folks to assist with the Hurricane Relief efforts. She and I had been talking about going down there and just helping out anyway we could. Well, opportunity knocked and she answered. I tripped on the way to the door. The best I could do right as of yet, other than pray, was to put a sacrificial offering in the special offering (for relief) in church on Sunday. Although I cannot go, I am mad excited about the trip. I feel like I am going. X-Factor is joining her as well and I am so proud of them. They are leaving tomorrow night and should arrive Friday.

What I want to do is have her keep an electronic journal of her time via my blog. So, you should have some daily updates of what’s going on down there. We don’t know if she’ll have computer access but we’ll figure something out.

What are others doing to help out with Hurricane Katrina relief efforts?

A Random Road Trip

2005-09-06T12:02:00.000-04:00

So after work I went home yesterday to visit my parents and my sister. I spontaneously drove 2 hours just to get some cookout food, a tight hug from my mama, and to hear some jokes from the family. It was lovely. The older I get the more I appreciate my family. I love hanging out with my mom and step dad. They are funny people. My older sister is my other half so being with her is like inhaling a crisp and fragrant burst of spring air. It refreshes me. When we are together we just laugh and laugh and laugh. Also while I was there, my dad called my cell phone just to say that he loves me.

My family is everything to me and yesterday I really needed them. I just needed to be surrounded by people who unconditionally love and care about me. I was having such a bummed out day while at work on Labor Day (they should just get rid of the holiday all together because most of the people I know have to work) and as you read the "Untitled" entry you can see that I was feeling lonesome. God really used my family to reaffirm me and remind me that I am dearly loved.

God's love is wonderful.

Untitled

2005-09-05T15:24:00.000-04:00

I am not sure why I cannot get over X-Factor. As a matter of fact, I cannot remember ever having this hard of a time letting someone or something go. I have the “talent” of running away from things when they get too complicated. But with this guy, my heart is having the hardest time. I could blame it on the fact that my parents were unstable and didn’t give me enough attention and affection. I could blame it on the fact that there is no one else to occupy my time. I could blame it on the fear of being utterly alone and the fear of rejection. Or I could blame it on the fact that I don’t expect much from men so when they treat me poorly I chuck it up to their nature.

I am not exactly sure why I cannot stop caring about X-Factor nor pinpoint the exact moment I became this weak, insecure, and desperate woman. If I could, I’d go back in time and stop whatever led to my current mental and emotional state. I would. I used to be so strong, so together. Now, I feel like a little kid waiting for her daddy to come home and pick her up. I don’t know how or when things got so mixed up.

Bridges not to Cross

2005-09-05T14:54:00.000-04:00

On Friday I received apology I have needed for two years. I feel finally liberated from countless cycles of forgive & forget v. remembrance & resentment. I tried to forgive in the absence of an apology and that is so hard to do. I always felt some pain when I would be reminded of him or when I’d run into him.

We started out as comrades in student activism during my stint in grad school. At first I hated his arrogance. However, he adored me from the start because of my bluntness and quick tongue. We grew from co-laborers to associates to dear friends. When his nephew was diagnosed with leukemia, I was one of the first people he told. I gave him my vulnerabilities. In front of him I was encouraged to take off my superwoman cape and just chill. Our friendship was magical and both intellectually and emotionally stimulating.

“Men and women can never just be friends because the sex part always gets in the way”, said Harry of When Harry Met Sally. Our friendship fell doomed to this fate. One night while talking life and listening to John Coltrane, he felt me up! I refused his advances and we had a long talk about boundaries. I am not sure how long after (a few days, a week, a few weeks) it was when I found myself making out with him. And we continued to make out over a course of months.

Now, I was very confused. I was not the least bit sexually attracted to him. I loved his brain, his heart, his ambition, his courage, and how he truly wanted to know my thoughts and philosophies. He was not at all my physical ‘type’ but he was a perfect friend. So I was very confused by the turn in our relationship. I didn’t want to do it but each time I did. I fell deeper and deeper. I hated being with him in that way but when I said no and he didn’t stop I just went along with it. I was conflicted.

To make things more complicated I began to rationalize that if I was his girlfriend those physical escapades wouldn’t be that bad. I could still have his brain and those deep conversations I loved and he could still have a physical piece of me. In hindsight, this is warped thinking considering I didn’t even want to be physical with him.

When I told him I’d no longer be physically intimate with him outside of a committed relationship, he balked. He said he wasn’t emotionally mature enough and he’d mess up and he wasn’t ready and blah blah blah. After one last make out session and then a very clear order from God, I ended the entire relationship.

One month later, I found out through the grapevine that he had a new girlfriend. I began to hate him and her.

We ran into each other Friday night and he tried to act as if we were the same friends of 2003. I told him I was not his friend and did not want to be his friend. I told him that I was still discontent with how things went down. To my surprise he said that he knew that what he did was wrong and he was sorry. I was taken aback. He asked if we could be friends again. I said no but that we could be associates. The entire situation taught me some hard lessons: 1) Harry is 80% right 100% of the time and 2) some bridges are not worth crossing.

Racism in Response

2005-09-02T11:16:00.000-04:00

If the residents of New Orleans were middle-class whites there would be food and water for them right now. Even if they weren't all evacuated by now, there would be an effective mechanism to place them in safe temporary shelter. They would NOT be allowed to sleep under a freeway underpass or watch the elderly die outside the Superdome. Nor would their babies and children be dehydrated and starving. Also, they would NOT be called refugees! These people are citizens of America. What the f**k? How and when did they become refugees in their own city, state, and nation?

I will go ahead and call a spade a spade: The slow response is due to racism and prejudice. The powers that be do not care that blacks are suffering. They are accepting the death of poor blacks as something insignificant. This does not have to be! Food could have been dropped days ago. Thankfully, others are discussing the racism in the response.

http://www.slate.com/id/2124688/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/01/AR2005090102305.html

http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,3723

Damn, Damn, Damn, James (and Hurricane Katrina)

2005-09-01T15:25:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Katrina was catastrophic in Alabama and Mississippi. All hell has broken loose in New Orleans. People are homeless, injured, scared, hungry, thirsty, uncertain, upset, grief-stricken, lost, traumatized, and countless dead. The television has shown us the worst of people (stealing TVs, DVDs, guns, and other non-essentials) and the worst of our governmental bureaucracy (no food or water for days for victims at the Superdome, people still stranded on rooftops, hospitals running out of supplies and power).

When the hurricane struck the region and Lake Pontchatrain began to ravage New Orleans, I began to pray. And cry and pray all week. One day I wrote to God in my prayer journal, “alright, we see the destruction and we see the worst but there has to be some redemption. Somehow some way your love, grace, mercy, and peace have to be demonstrated. How? I don’t know. So, although I cannot physically go to New Orleans and help pump out the water, hold crying children, or build new homes I can pray and intercede for my brothers and sisters down there. There is hope and there is YOU. I pray that your love is made know to all of them in the midst of their suffering.” I want all heaven to break loose down there!

God’s word states and I believe:
"When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." -2 Chronicles 7:13-14

Let’s stand together and pray (and send donations).

Alright, Already!

2005-08-30T09:44:00.000-04:00

Alright, alright, alright, already! I’ll say it. I hate being single. Ok. I want a stinking relationship. It is out there. I am tired of not having dates on Thursday nights and not having spontaneous weekend trips. I am bored with not having someone to talk with me on the phone all hours of the night. I am frustrated that I don’t have a steady person in my life that lights me up from the inside out and make my toes curl. I miss spooning. I miss pillow fights. I miss lazy afternoons watching the tube. I miss being part of a couple. I miss coordinating schedules. I even miss the fights and make ups. SIGH.

My sister wants to hook me up with someone but I hate dating strangers. Those dates make me super nervous and I can never be myself. Those kinds of dates are pressure to me. But at this stage in the game I have no choice. I need to really get out there and meet some people unless I plan to follow through with the “cat lady” plan (All I need is my first, second, third, and fourth cats). But I hate meeting strangers….This is such a dilemma! Unless I take my sister on the date with me…Humm. Now that is a fun thought. A good quality double date would be a viable approach.

To be continued…

Of Jailbirds

2005-08-29T14:56:00.000-04:00

Since 2005 I have known five people who have done time in prison. While in jail they’ve asked me to hold them down via letters and phone calls. I am nice person so I write letters back and sometimes take the occasional phone call. However, I have progressively become more and more annoyed. For one thing, these people were not best friends with me before they got locked up but once they got locked up the letters have flown in and the phone calls (from a couple of them) have certainly been more than adequate.

To put this in perspective (and so that you will not think that I am either a complete sucker for maintaining contact or an utter asshole for my ranting), I shall name the folks and my association with them.
1) My younger half brother, C: He got locked up in 2000 and had to do a five year bid. I wrote him for five years! I have the letters to prove it. He got out last March and I have seen and spoken to him less than 5 times. Oh, he got locked up again last month. I refuse to write him.
2) My homeboy E: He is the older brother of one of my childhood friends and I had a crush on him when I was a tweenager because he reminded me of Snoop Dog. Since I was younger than him he never paid me any real attention. Once we got older we went out a couple times but nothing major. He was too busy in the streets to think about having any relationship with a good girl such as myself. However, once he got locked up I started to receive all of these letters of devotion. He wrote that he used to like me and wants to be with me now. I am thinking “now? Yeah, right”. At first I wrote him a lot to hold him down but I don’t really press myself to do so anymore.
3) This cat named, J: He is cool but mostly a friend of my sister. He liked her a bit in college but nothing too serious. We had mutual friends and used to hang out once in a while. When he got locked up he started writing me too. I felt he got a dirty charge so I hold him down. He is a political prisoner to me. Anyway, come to find out, he had become interested in my sister because his girl left him. So, he wrote and called (pre-paid) me to basically figure out how to get at her. Once I realized his motives I stopped writing him as often. Once she found out his intentions towards her and told him it wasn’t jumping off, he stopped calling me all together.
4) My boy C: He got locked up almost a year ago. He just disappeared and no one knew what happened to him for a couple of months. Then one night he called me and I started holding him down. We went to high school together and he is my peoples but we never really talked on the phone much. We used to kick it with a few friends every now and then. But now he is writing me and calling me (with a cell phone! Don’t ask me how he got it) often. It is awkward because I am not used to talking to him more than once every couple of months.
5) My other younger half brother H: He was locked up and when he was in there he talked a good game of building a relationship. He got out in July and I have only seen him once (I think I saw him). Anyway…

All that to say: I am tired of holding down people in jail. And I am tired of men in jail falling in love out of the blue with people they didn’t love before they got locked up. I try to be a good and loving person by holding folks down with letters and phone calls but really I am not feeling it anymore. As a black woman who grew up in an urban environment I have been conditioned to hold people down when times get hard for them but really I am not feeling it anymore. My sister feels the same way.

I am making a new rule: If in the unfortunate state of affairs one gets locked up, continue communications on the same level that existed prior to the incarceration. Do not increase or decrease communications. As in all relationships consistency is the name of the game.

Do Not Recycle

2005-08-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

My tip for the day: DO NOT RECYCLE. I am a tree hugger so I am not talking about recycling environmentally. Recycling newspapers and soda cans is always good. I am talking about relationships.

Ok, I have a huge problem with recycling. I don’t know why I can not let certain people out of my life. I have been “talking” to Mr. X-Factor again and it has been fun. I love talking with him and spending time with him. In fact I was going to make another trip to see him next weekend. On so many levels he is the One. But you know what? On so many levels he clearly is not. Recycling relationships is almost always bad. I mean there was a valid reason to part ways in the first place so why bother getting back together again when those initial reasons will most likely be the reasons for the next ending? I am foolish and the worst kind of foolish because I love to hopelessly love. It is my weakness. That explains why I have recycled him countless times over an almost 2 year time span. I cannot seem to completely let go. There are always reminders that I should have let that thang stay in the trash heap.

To make a very long story short it turns out that the initial reasons were the final reasons to say good bye AGAIN. This time around was kinda nasty though with “I hate you” and “f**k you” and “leave me the f**k alone” coming from my direction. Don’t worry, I apologized. At least I didn’t say EVERYTHING I was thinking (which was a lot worse, trust me. I have bit of a temper). I think this time around I am just fed up and I can honestly say that I think I am done-at least for a long while….

Question

2005-08-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

What do you do when you find out one of the closest people to you has lied? The lie wasn't about a specific incident but a concept. Trust is now an issue as I feel as if I don't really know this person at all. On some level he looks so different to me-colder, calculating, confused. Lying can be self-perservation.

A wise man once said, "when caught between a rock and a hard place, the best thing to do is to spoon". Although, feelings of betrayal wrap me and leave me shaken I think I must be faithful to this person despite their indescretions. I just know what I am dealing with and as in all relationships I must play my position.

Today is still the best day of my life.

Be Grateful Until Further Notice

2005-08-23T12:54:00.000-04:00

Today has been the best day of my life; as was yesterday. Yesterday I woke up and decided that it would be the best day I’ve ever had. Despite the fact that I was not traveling, attending any concerts, or celebrating my birthday, I was going to have the best day ever. And it was. I worked hard at the office, made a decent dinner, talked with friends, and then went to the movies. It was a great day.

Today, I woke up and decided that today would be the best day I’ve ever had. So far so good…I am working hard, having inspirational conversations, and challenging myself. I am going to go for a nice walk tonight as well. It will be the best day yet.

A few months ago one of my pastors said: “Be grateful until further notice”. Yesterday I fully accepted it as my way of life. Each day may not be sunny nor greet you with a bed of rose petals but each day is a day to be happy and satisfied with what you have before you. I have lived a too much of my life in sadness and discontent (always looking for that next big thing) but I am done with that. Yesterday I made a conscious decision to live each day expecting it to be better than the one prior.

Today is a great day but the best is always yet to come.

Random Rant

2005-08-17T16:32:00.000-04:00

yo, i purchased gas for $2.20/gallon Monday, Aug. 8. By Friday, Aug. 12, gas had gone up to $2.50/gallon. NO LIE. I am serious! Can you believe that? Now it is even higher. I am almost on E and dread having to buy gas this evening...i am going to have to buy generic gas from a grocery store. my poor car. i am too poor to drive now. i guess i better start my thumb exercises cuz i am bout to be hitchhiking soon.

Untitled

2005-08-17T15:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I am done entirely with being embarrassed about my panic attacks. Last night I made that decision and I am sticking to it. Since Friday I was viewing the whole diagnosis as an emotional weakness on my part. It was much easier accepting a diagnosis of asthma because that was something physical that I could not control. A panic attack or anxiety attacked seemed awfully mental and thus controllable. But that isn’t the reality.

An anxiety attack or panic attack is a definite physical response but it is to emotional triggers. Since I have had to endure lots of stressors throughout my life, my body is just prone to react in this manner. Now that I know that I have the potential to experience a panic attack, I can act accordingly and manage them. I am confident that this will not be something I experience for the rest of my life.

Thank God I have a therapist. She really helped me process all of this. I don’t think I would be able to make it through these tumultuous twenties without her. I know that sounds elitist and extremely New Millennium but I think everyone should go to counseling at some point in their lives - especially if you are one of those people who do not need to go. Those folks need it the most!

Post Mini-Breakdown

2005-08-16T09:17:00.000-04:00

Ok, so yesterday was a pretty bad day but it got better. In the late afternoon I received a call for a second interview with an organization that is pretty cool. The interview is going to be on Friday so I am pleased with that. Also, I have wanted to be rid of my “asthma” and now I am rid of it. It is just not the way that I had envisioned it.

So, this is my life now. All I can do is deal with it as it comes. The Last Call hasn’t been called yet so there is always hope that things will improve (umm a Mimosa sounds really good now).

Thanks for all of the support.

Hateration

2005-08-15T10:58:00.000-04:00

I hate Today. It sucks. Today I hate my job. Today I hate its mundane responsibilities. Today I hate my apartment. Today I hate its closet-like size, crappy carpet, and ugly furniture. Today I hate this city. Today I hate the awful memories of a supposed friend who didn’t take my “no” seriously and just did what he wanted. I hated seeing him at that wedding. Why was he invited anyway? Today I hate my life. Today it all sucks.

Friday I had an appointment with my doctor in hopes of getting my asthma under control. Last month I had tests to determine the extent of my respiratory problems. The test results surprised me. It seems that I do not have asthma after all. My lungs operate better than normal and there aren’t any physical reasons for my distress. In 2001 I was diagnosed with asthma and I always wondered why.

My doctor believes that I do not have asthma but that I am having panic attacks. After looking back on the times of my supposed asthma attacks, the doc’s diagnosis makes sense. My first asthma-induced hospitalization was a day after I was in a car accident. My last asthma-induced hospitalization was the night I broke up with Mr. X-Factor (after we’d spent a few hours in a smoky bar).

He wants to put me 1) on antidepressants 2) in therapy or 3) both. I am not with option 1 or 3. I am already in counseling so I feel extra wack about all of this. Does this current diagnosis mean that I am really crazy? Am I really unstable? I hate the fact that I have panic attacks. To me it is another sign of my powerlessness and weakness. Why do I have to have all of these issues? Why can’t I just be normal? I am so embarrassed. I am crazy. I hate all of this.

I Am In Love

2005-08-12T09:09:00.000-04:00

I AM IN LOVE with a rocker I met last night. My girl sent me an email announcement about this R&B/Jazz/Rock band that was going to be playing at a local club. She couldn’t make it but I decided to roll anyway-dolo. I got there mega early so I decided to chill at the bar, order a beer, and watch the football game. As I was sitting there this dark stranger caught my eye. He is gorgeous- tall, dark, kinda nerdy looking, cool style. So, I play it cool. I chill and drink my beer.

So, the bands starts to warm up and he steps onto stage and begins to play the electric guitar. It was like the angels in heaven were singing in my ears. He played so beautifully [Sigh]. To make a long story short, after lots of eye contact and a spiritual connection, I feel in love last night watching him play his guitar. I was so high last night. It was as if I’d had me a lil’ session with my peoples (just say no to drugs children) although all I had was a couple of beers [Sigh]. I hope I see him again. He lives in a neighboring Capital city. He could then be my CityLove.

You may have the nerve to think as you are reading this, “she is a groupie”. To that I say, “f**k you” (with a smile, of course). I don’t care what you call me. I am in love with a rocker I met last night at a local dive. He played the guitar so beautifully it made me so high I didn’t want to c o m e d o w n.

Men love T&A. Women love Rock Stars and Athletes.

It's a Wonderful Life

2005-08-11T11:00:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the privilege of attending my first Opera. I cannot adequately express my excitement as I watched the saga of Madame Butterfly unfold. I wanted to see this Opera for a couple of years now. As you may recall [“No Opera for this Butterfly”], I was disappointed with the prospect of not attending this season. But all good things come from the Lord as He provided a ticket for me through an unanticipated source. I pray that God blesses that person tremendously for their kindness.

As I waited for the Opera to begin, I ate dinner on a blanket overlooking rolling hills and plush green meadows and thought to myself, “How did I end up here?” Even during the Opera my mind keep going back to thoughts of gratefulness. The life that I lead now as a refined and cultured young woman is light years away from the life I lived in Section 8 housing, surviving on public assistance and handouts. I have been so blessed in my life that at times it all feels like a dream. I’ve had countless opportunities that have taken me to so many wonderful places-college and graduate school, upscale restaurants, hotels, and B&Bs, social organizations; from Michigan to New Mexico, from California to Florida, from Toronto to Nigril, and more.

For real, you don’t understand what it was like to be ME growing up-the constant struggles, the abuse, the pain, the hunger, the cold, the tremendous loss. During it all God was the only constant thing in my tumultuous life. When people hear my story they are amazed that I have accomplished so much. They usually attribute it to my hard work and focus. I always attribute it to God’s blesses and my family’s support.

It’s not that I never believed that I would be where I am today nor do not believe that I’ll be in more wonderful positions in the future. It is as if I am having an out-of-body experience sometimes. What a wonderful life I am privilege to lead with wonderful people and opportunities! The best is yet to come…

“Under three things the earth trembles,
under four it cannot bear up:
a servant who becomes king,
a fool who is full of food,
an unloved woman who is married,
and a maidservant who displaces her
mistress.”
~Proverbs 30:21-23

One of my 3 Dads

2005-08-10T14:52:00.000-04:00

Today during my lunch hour I spoke with my biological father on the phone. He’s been trying to establish a relationship with me and my siblings for the past year. The first time I spoke to him was winter of 2000 when I was on the cusp of self-destructing from a difficult bout with depression. At the time, I believed he only came around because his father told him that I was suicidal and he didn’t want to be blamed for it. The SpermDonor (as my sister and I referred to him) was around for about a year and then dropped off again. I was pretty hurt by it but I hadn’t put too much weight into his return in the first place.

So, when he called me March of 2004 I was pretty shocked. But I wasn’t going to invested much into this relationship this time around. As of late, I have maintained a safe emotional distance from him because if he decides to disappear again, I’ll be prepared. Honestly, he has impressed me this time around. He is much more devoted and has really pursued me and my sister. He has even moved back to our hometown.

When we spoke today I was finally honest about my apprehensions and emotional disconnect. He totally understood but what he said next completely blew my mind. He said, “Whatever I need to do I’ll do it. I cannot imagine my life without you and your sister in it”.

Whoa. That statement is so deep to me. At first I thought I was hearing things but he repeated himself a few times. It was extremely powerful to me. I still have not completely let down my guard but it was good to hear him express my importance to him.

Post Wedding: Part II

2005-08-10T09:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is an actual blog entry.

Married people really prefer to be with other married people. If you are an attractive single, then forget it! You’ll only see your girlfriend and hubby on national holidays. At the wedding today, the groom (whom I have known longer than the bride) offered me a pound/dap instead of a hug. I was like, “whoa”. What is that about? I gave his ass a hug anyway but felt so embarrassed for some reason. I couldn’t believe it. It was as if there was a set of social norms that I had missed or certainly hadn’t been told about.

Prior to that, I ran into M & M [another newly wed couple]. The groom is really good friends with a mutual male friend, Chris. He and his wife greeted me, took a quick picture, and before I could even form my lips to ask about my old homeboy, they exited. Again, I was like, “whoa”. What is going on?

I was so blown because I was never interested with either dude. I could understand if I was an X of either of them. I suspect that my singleness has burned a red S on my chest that all married couples can see and then do there best to avoid.

Bastards…

Post Wedding: Part I

2005-08-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy lately so I haven’t had time to post a blog although I have been writing in my journal. So, I decided to post an entry that I wrote thousands of feet in the air during an airplane flight this past weekend.

I am on the plane leaving my T's wedding.

I don’t know why I am still single. As I think about it, I realize that I have not been in a long-term committed relationship since I was an undergrad. I have been in lots of random relationships that have taught me a lot about the ugly side of relationships. Mr. X-Factor had potential to be the redemption of all of those situations. But anyway…

In the weeks preceding this wedding I had been so excited for T. Today, when she walked out to meet her man at the altar she was beaming- so beautiful and joyful. The groom was extremely choked up and the ceremony was just beautiful. It was definitely one of the best weddings I have been to.

However, at some point I began to think, “damn, when it be my turn?”. I know this sounds foul but I couldn’t remain 100% happy at the wedding because I have my own relationship shit to deal with. Albeit, I LOVE BEING SINGLE, I dislike it as well. I like that I have exponential freedom to do whatever I want and go wherever I want to go without thinking of anyone but myself. However, I hate that I have become immensely selfish and self-centered. I also hate that I have to do everything for myself. I want some help! LIFE is so hard and it would be so much easier if I could rely on someone to help me carry the burden.

Sometimes, I get this strange feeling that I’ll wake up one day and be a 40-year-old singleton. I’ll walk outside. Go to my local café to get my daily soy chai latte and Washington Post and be greeted my usual elderly café attendant. He’ll serve me but think to himself, “she’s so pretty, so nice, seems accomplished; I wonder why she has no wedding ring on that finger.” At times, I get really afraid that my only consistent non-female relationship will be with Ben & Jerry. I don’t want to be a spinster. I also don’t want to be the neighborhood “cat lady”. But I am being very particular about what relationships I enter because I am not trying to be anyone’s “jump off” or “friend with privileges”.

I do realize that I do not want to be married right now. I am not ready for that. What I really want is one really good friend who I can be in an intimate relationship with. The title boyfriend doesn’t really encompass what I desire but for lack of a better description I propose that. I just want to have a really great friend whom I fall in love with and grow with and build with and then die with. Along the way, the marriage thing would occur. I don’t think that is too much to want.

No Opera for this Butterfly

2005-08-01T10:27:00.000-04:00

Being an adult has enabled me to reach a plethora of realizations. First, I work to pay bills. Second, those in my life with a large amount of disposable income either 1) do not have bills or 2) do not pay them. The first realization really sucks as I thought that a $40,000+ salary would make me rich but in reality I am just making due. I pay all of my bills, put some money away in my savings account, drink and eat some of it, pay for a couple of incidentals, and then it is all gone.

For example, this month I really want to go to the Opera and see Madame Butterfly but I cannot. I have to fly to a Midwest wedding, purchase an expensive gift for a new baby in my family, buy new eyeglasses, take a professional exam to qualify for a professional license, and then apply for my new business’ license. That will suck up all of my August income. So, no Madame Butterfly for me.

I have rationalized this disappointment, though. Albeit, I may not get to go to the Opera this month, all of this hard work and delayed gratification will pay off. I cannot afford the Opera now but I am working towards being debt free in 20 years (damn you student loans!). This small sacrifice and small investments into my future will permit me to one day have a lifestyle that will enable me to go to the Opera at least once every season…

The joy and agony of being a grown-up.

Midnight Meanderings

2005-07-29T09:57:00.000-04:00

In little over a week one of my friends is getting married. She is twenty-two years old.

Last Tuesday, Mr. X-Factor and I were walking downtown in search of food. While walking, we went past a dress store and in the front window stood a beautiful wedding gown. It had a beaded bodice and both of the sides were scrunched up somehow. Immediately I stopped, admired the dress, and remarked how gorgeous it was. I must have been thinking I was window shopping with one of my girlfriends. I turned to my right to see if Mr. X-Factor was still beside me only to find that he had continued to walk down the street. In fact, all I saw of him was his back.

The previous Friday night I went to the movies with a friend (note to self: I will consider it a date because 1) I am attracted to him 2) I didn’t have to go Dutch and 3) he opened the car door for me each time I got into it). I had a fabulous time. It was so good to be out with someone who appeared to be interested in me. This was the first time I’d been out with someone other than Mr. X-Factor in a year and half. In spite of the fun I was having with Mr. Date I still couldn’t totally enjoy myself. See, Mr. Date and I have a history which includes some not so nice business and although he has changed tremendously I cannot forget what he did to me back in the day.

Computer Love

2005-07-28T11:19:00.000-04:00

Need a special girl (Ooh, yeah)To share in my computer world I no longer need a strategy Thanks to modern technology Shooby doo bop shoo doo bop I wanna love you Shooby doo bop [I wanna love you, baby] computer love Shooby doo bop shoo doo bop I wanna love youS hooby doo bop my computer love
~ Computer Love by Zapp Rogers (1980s)

I am a wanderer constantly on the move to new places. Therefore, I have lots of long distance friends in far off places. Some of my dearest friends live hundreds of miles away. I used to love technology as it allowed me to maintain ties with my “cross-country” contacts. Telephones, email accounts, pagers (although I never owned one), Blackplanet (back in the day), AOL Instant Messaging, mobile phones, and text messages were essentials to maintaining contact with people. But have you noticed that as technology improves to higher levels of sophistication, we have less and less interpersonal contact?

I hate to text message! I really do. It is so annoying yet my friends always text me. I hate to respond because I am thinking, “yo, please just call me”. I’d rather hear your voice anyway. Then people get mad when you don’t respond to a text. Also, I hate that I feel obligated to answer my cell phone whenever I have it on me. I feel guilty if I don’t answer a call. People get pissed when you don’t answer your cell phone but really do I have to always be available to the world because I have a mobile phone? But really I don’t like to talk on the phone all of the time either. It gets hot on my ear and my arm hurts from holding it up during long convos.

Am I being a jerk? Shouldn’t I be glad that people want to contact my wack a**? But is access really the issue? Is it because communicating is so simple now, people who I would not ordinarily be in contact with now have access to me? I think so. Before cell phones and text messages I really didn’t keep up with a lot of people but now…it is too much to handle sometimes. Or am I still being a jerk? I just miss the days of face-to-face contact. Even people in my city are quicker to send an electronic correspondence than to call me on the phone.

Can technology ruin friendships as it permits people to distance themselves not only physically but emotionally from people? Will I always have a Nextel-based relationship? Are we going to be relegated to phone sex and internet chat rooms for venues to explore our romantic sides? Is EHarmony the new way to “meet exciting new singles”? Is technology bane or boon? Am I too old-school?

City Love

2005-07-20T11:24:00.000-04:00

My mom grew up as an Army Brat and as a young adult became a Hippie instead of a Black Panther or a member of SNCC (this caused some embarassment to me during my Black Nationalism phase). So when I was conceived through a romance that did not result in marriage I was deemed a “love child” instead of a bastard. I grew up listening to all different types of music (Earth Wind and Fire coupled with Boy George and George Michael) and falling in love with all kinds of style of dress (pink leather skirts as a 7 year old). My mom allowed me draw on the walls of my bedroom and keep it in a perpetual state of disorder in order to permit my creativity and allow my individual freedom to flourish.

So, growing up as “love child” and not a bastard, I am in love with love. I love all manner of music, cinema, literature, and people. One of my favorite things to love is the City. I love it because it contains all of my favorite elements: people, music, opportunity, art, electric vibes, and the rawness of life. As an ode to the city, to love, to people, to life I submit this sonnet written by one of my favorite musicians. This song illustrates what I view as an ideal 20-something romantic relationship. Oh, where is my CityLove???

CITY LOVE
John Mayer

I never liked this apple much

It always seemed too big to tough

I can't remember how I found

My way before she came around
I tell everyone

I smile just because

I've got a city love

I found it in Lydia

And I can't remember life before her name
She keeps a toothbrush at my place

As if I had the extra space

She steals my clothes to wear to work

I know because her hairs are on my shirts
I tell everyone

I smile just because

I've got a city love

I found it in Lydia

And I can't remember life before

The day

She called up and came to me

Covered in rain

And dinnertime shadowing

And as her clothes spun, we spooned

And I knew I was through

When I said "I love you"
Friday evening, we've been drinking

2 AM, I swear I might propose

but we close the tab

split a cab

and call each other up when we get home

falling asleep to the sound of sirens

I've got a city love

I found it in Lydia
From the battery

To the gallery

It's the kind of thing you only see

In scented, glossy magazines
And I can't remember life before her name

Men Are Pigs?

2005-07-19T12:23:00.000-04:00

I was talking with my ‘little sister’ yesterday and we were catching up on our lives. This woman is amazing. She’s bright, ambitious, focused, sweet, adorable, and very pretty. Her energy is powerful and she encourages me so much in my personal and professional life. If I could go back in time, I’d like to have followed her path. She and I were discussing our lives and she caught me up on a relationship she’d been in the last time we spoke. She was heartbroken. The relationship has ended because the guy cheated on her by having sex with his old flame. She is a good girl and did nothing but give him the best. She also told me that a mutual friend of ours also broke up with her man cuz he was cheating. This young lady, just like my ‘little sister’, has it going on. She is a diva and an upcoming engineer.

As she shared her heart and pain with me, my mind was racing. I was thinking to myself, if men would cheat on these girls then they are 1) stupid and 2) selfish pigs. She was asking my opinion about things and I didn’t know what to tell her. I am in the midst of healing from my own relationship drama. I also have no answers because although I know wonderful men who are great boyfriends and husbands, I am familiar with more men who are not.

Why is it that men cheat on good women? I do know that these girls are abstaining from sex before marriage. Do you think that has something to do with it? One day while crying over my X-factor at my parents’ home, my Stepdad says to me, “[JoiDoe], men like sluts and you are not a slut. I know because I was out there. You are a good girl and unfortunately it takes a man a while to see that he has a good woman. He’ll grow up.” Now, my dude didn’t cheat on me with another woman but what my steppops said really resonated with me. Do men really love sluts? Do they love good girls? I think it is a mixed bag.

But why do men cheat? My dad cheated on my mom. She divorced him for that. Very few of my friends can say that their fathers didn’t cheat on their moms at some point. Very few of my girlfriends can say that they never experienced their men cheating on them at some point. I cannot say that myself. What is the deal? Are men really pigs? I don’t think so and I hope not but I don’t really get the whole cheating thing…

I Need You to Survive

2005-07-19T12:22:00.000-04:00

There is an extremely powerful essay in Soul on Ice entitled “To All Black Women from All Black Men”. Everyone needs to read it. In this essay Eldridge Cleaver addresses the scarred relationship between black men and black women. He apologizes for the COLLECTIVE BLACK MAN not protecting, loving, and covering the COLLECTIVE BLACK WOMAN. He asks for us to come together and build a new community built on love and trust. He talks about the historical pain, abuse, and emasculation of the black man at the hands of white men which began during slavery and continues today. He links that historical and contemporary pain, abuse, and emasculation to the way black men relate to black women and how this has created relational dysfunction. The apology (a unique love letter) speaks to me because it is a black man being vulnerable to the whole of black women in an honest way. He apologizes and offers an olive branch.

Can we go back there to Eldridge Cleavers’ words and begin to build a new community on the ruins of our lost love and distrust? Can we cover the dust and ashes and build new monuments as a testament to our now unflenching committment to one another? Can we relearn how to love and trust and give and take? Can we somehow put to death the "old black man", uncertain and hypersexual and resurrect the new black man, devoted and resolute? Can we somehow put to death the "old black woman", afraid and dejected and resurrect the new black woman, confident and trusting? For these "old" beings are just shadows of who we really are. The are the lies that we bought into.

Black men, the whole of black women desire to say “men are not pigs or dogs” but reality shows us something different. I want to be in a healthy relationship with a man who loves me and who will not cheat on me. All women want that. Can you step up to the plate and do it for us? We need to come together and build a new community built on love and trust.

Notes to Self

2005-07-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

Notes to self:
* Remind self that men are pigs and abstain from all flirting today; even innocent glances toward dark and handsome strangers and the sometimes not so innocent conversations
* Remind self to be reminded that men are selfish pigs and to not even think about men at all today; especially the ones that I absolutely do not want to think about
* Remind self that marriage is partly a financial decision and having children (charming as they may be) are a means to a free breast augmentation
* Remind self to not be so jaded and cynical today

Where did I leave my superpowers...

2005-07-15T20:06:00.000-04:00

I wish I had a few superpowers. I don't know where I was when God was giving Spiderman, Batman, Lavagirl, Catwoman, The Thing, and Shaq their superpowers! But I wasn't standing in that line, dammit! The superpowers I need are:

1) The ability to fly: I could save lots of money on gas and cut down all commuting times to any place in less than 3 minutes. I could also travel to Paris without any airfare cost.
2) The ability to have retractable arms and hands that moved faster than the speed of light: I could be much more efficient with my multitasking. I could wash dishes, mop, program my VCR, and paint my toenails at the same time.

3) The ability to breathe under water: Just because that would be banging.

If I had these superpowers I guess I might also use them to save some lives and rescue a couple cats from trees…maybe (not).

Family Ties

2005-07-14T10:03:00.000-04:00

I haven’t written in a while because I have had lots on my mind; too much to decipher and figure out. One thing that is permeating is my complicated family situation is finally reaching some reconciliation. Since Memorial Day I have been introduced to family I never knew I had and I am basically overwhelmed…

I am family person and my family is one of 3 things that keep me living. My two sisters are even my best friends. This may blow your mind but I essentially have 3 “mothers” (one biological, one ex-stepmom whom I love, and one current stepmother) and 3 “fathers” (one biological whom I am just getting to know, one ex-stepfather who is my “Daddy”, and one current stepfather of 3 years). I also have 4 biological sisters, 3 biological brothers, one relational sister, two stepbrothers, one stepsister, and one stepsibling on the way (dude I have no comment). Those folks have children and as a result I have 13 nieces and nephews. What the f***k?!!! This is bananas right?!

When my mom got remarried for the last time I recall telling my first stepmom how I was tired of everyone basically complicating my life by continuing to add people to it. I was struggling with how I was going to relate to the continue influx of people added to the family through marriage. She told me that I should thank God because having more people in my life would mean more people to love me. At the time, my biological father was still a no-show and I wasn’t very close to 6 of his children and didn’t even know most of his grandchildren. I was just thinking how complicated it would be to introduce everyone at a family reunion…

I then realized that I have so many parents because all of them are broken people and if they were all whole then I wouldn’t need so many. At any given moment some of them are not around and I rely on the ones around for morale and support. For example, my Daddy has raised me since I was a baby. He remarried last year and has a stepson and a new baby on the way (again no comment) and he has been so consumed by them. He still calls me at least a couple times a week but there as an emotional distance now and I resent him for that. But my biological father has come back into the picture and he has really stepped up and taken care of me this past year. He is making up for lost time and trying to fix his mistakes. However, when I was a baby and he was out making more kids and hiding from the child support people, my Daddy was there. The mom situation is murky as well. She was a terrible mother but she has stepped up the last few years and has even apologized for being a bad mother. My ex-stepmom was always cool. The new stepmom, well I won’t comment.

So, when people ask me how many sisters and brothers I have what do you think I say? What would you say? Well, it depends on who is doing the asking. Usually I just say I have 2 sisters and leave it at that. My mom and Daddy separately raised us girls and a baby boy (deceased) and that is what I am used to. I don’t deny the others but it is just too damn complicated and I never feel up to explaining the various situations. I guess sex and love make the world go ‘round and population control is just not PC…

Confession

2005-07-06T10:32:00.000-04:00

I have to let some stuff off of my mind. I realize that most of my entries have been extremely oriented around some social cause or whatever but I need to just be personal right now. This may be long. I don’t know yet. Put your phone on silent; grab a coffee and a doughnut. If you want to read, cool. If not, cool too. This entry may shed some light on who I really am and why I feel the way I do regarding certain topics. I am going to be figuratively naked before you right now.

Yesterday I cried. I was watching a news story about Live 8 and heard a statistic about the number of Africans who would have died by the conclusion of the concert. I cried. That story was followed by a short story on Luther Vandross’ death. I cried again. It was only fitting that I cried yesterday because I cannot remember the last time I cried- and I am a crier. On an average, I cry twice a week. I cry at church, sometimes at home when I pray, while watching Xtreme Home Makeover and TLC’s A Baby Story, and when I am hurt or angry.

I didn’t use to be a crier. Growing up, I was a very tough girl. I grew up in poor areas most of my life and I had to learn how to fight at a young age. I remember learning how to fight when my family first moved to a VA housing project. I was in elementary school and my ‘play cousin’ taught my sisters and me how to defend ourselves. We’d moved from a decent neighborhood in DC and hadn’t had to fight yet. Since we were extremely skinny girls, other kids used to pick fights with us often. However, we quickly earned a reputation for our fighting skills and my twin and I were dubbed, the Terror Twins. Because when one person picked on any of us, they got both of us in a rumble. I always hated to fight even though I was good at it. I didn’t like having to get angry enough to hit someone. Yet, I did what I had to do in those situations and endured. I grew up and got out of those areas and arrived at a classic middle-income institution—college.

In college I had to learn to deal with conflict (i.e. anger) in a different manner. I couldn’t just fight everyone and fight my teachers. However, I had a quick and bad temper. I learned how to play certain parts and maneuver through certain conflicts. One of my friends in graduate school helped me with my anger. Whenever I got mad at him he’d stop me in the middle of my tirade and ask me to close my eyes. When I did, he’d tell me to envision a setting he would describe and tell me to breath deeply. He’d say, “[my name] I am not fighting with you. I am on your team.” I learned how to manage my anger inwards and not lash out in a loud verbal or physical altercation. I even took a conflict mediation class to learn to help others manage their conflict issues.

So, I became a crier. Not in public, mind you, but a crier nonetheless. It is just that in a world where one can get beat upon mentally, emotionally, and psychologically one must have an outlet. When I stopped partying or fighting away my pain I had to find a new avenue and I became extremely internally sensitive. I wrote poetry and cried.

The only other way I know how to manage my anger is to erect a high wall blocking all emotional input and output. For the last month or so, I have been this kind of angry. I haven’t really been too sad or too excited about much of anything. I have been pretty ambivalent about everything. This wall has been shielding me from much pain and has allowed me to exercise power over situations in my life, particularly the termination of a couple relationships—one ‘romantic’ and one ‘platonic’.

The romantic relationship you all know a tiny bit about but to summarize this emotional see saw…me and dude ended whatever relationship we had back in November. In December he comes around again and then in February he flakes again and he comes back again in May and in June I tell him I just need to be left alone. At the end of it all, he tells me that he was never in love with me. He only was in the relationship because he didn’t want to loose my friendship as I had become one of his best friends. I think when he said that I actually heard my heart break. Apparently, I had been in a romantic relationship all by myself. The platonic friendship that was terminated was over betrayal and money. My best friend since 9th grade borrowed a significant amount of money from me during a trip in June. When we got back he decided that he would not pay it back because he didn’t want to. In my face, he looked me in my eyes and told me that. Again, I am pretty sure I heard my heart break. It didn’t break over the money but over the blatant disregard for my personhood. I honestly do not know why he did that. He could have had the money if he needed it. He didn’t have to treat me like that. I was so mad and hurt that I called my father. He confronted him and had to subtly threaten to do bodily harm to my friend in order to get my money back. So I have had to deal with 2 great losses in a short span of time—one stole my heart, the other my money.

I then just cut myself off emotionally from the world. I didn’t feel a thing. I haven’t even allowed myself to think about either situation because I didn’t want to feel anything about either of them. So, I know that is why I have been so angry with lots of things—particularly the black man/white woman thing. On a good day, I don’t care who marries whom. But when I am angry with the men who hurt me, I am angry and distrustful of all men. It’s like, if I couldn’t even trust two of my closest male friends, then which men can I really trust?

So, I cried yesterday while watching TV. True indeed those news stories were sad but I think I cried for different reasons. I just needed to face some sadness and loss in my own life. I really don’t know how to be hurt or angry in any other way than the two ways I wrote about. I am trying to learn a happy medium. Maybe crying is cool. I do hate the fact that I cry so much and that I am so sensitive. But I suppose there are many other tougher people in the world to balance my kind out.

Blue Collar v. White Collar Men

2005-07-05T15:51:00.000-04:00

Last week my girl asked me if I’d marry a blue collar man. I quickly told her “no” and gave a laundry list of the reasons for my answer and detailed my rationale. I said that I wanted a man who was at least had a Bachelor degree in something and was on living a stable middle-income (ie not working-class) lifestyle. I said I wanted a man with whom I could have these deep intellectual conversations and who was well-read and traveled. I said I wanted a man who could be part of the black bourgeoisie but who was too cool to enter that world. I said I wanted a man with access to certain privileges and a college-educated man would have that. My final rationale was that I wanted a man who would see me as a complement to himself and not competition. I felt that a man who didn’t have a degree would see me as a threat to his manhood since I have a couple of professional degrees.

But I now throw all of that out of the window (I told you all that I am a woman of contradictions). I think it was simplistic of me to think that way and to totally disregard a huge segment of our population. A blue collar man can be just as versed in politics, art, literature, music, and culture as a man who holds down a white collar job (i.e. Mos Def and Talib Kweli although they aren’t really blue collar). He can be just a well-read and traveled. He can certainly have access to certain privileges and resources albeit different ones from the white collar man. Also, just because a man has been formally educated at a university does not mean that he will be more comfortable with his manhood than a non-formally educated man. Both kinds of men have the potential to see me as either a complement or competition.

All in all I just want a man who will love me completely. All men have all kinds of issues (don’t I know it). Although certain professions lend themselves to certain lifestyles, I should not be so closed off. I was at home this weekend and visited my mom. She lives in what one may call a housing project. I took a real look around myself and saw all kinds of beautiful black men. Some were working-class and some had no class but they were all valuable in their own way. Not to say that I would marry someone broke but money isn’t going to be a huge factor. Blue collar men can make lots of money to support a family anyway (especially if he is an entrepreneur).

I guess in my pursuit of the American Dream via my own personal Rags to Riches story, I’ve tried to leave behind so much of what made me who I am - the various components of the ‘hood life’ that really breeds winners and survivors. Trying to deny or hide from that past will only destroy a huge part of what makes me, me. Leaving behind some good men just for a bourgeoisie lifestyle would be just as foolish.

Adult ADD

2005-07-01T15:22:00.000-04:00

Last night, one of my homegirls came to visit. She looked around at the Learn Spanish interactive CDs on my desk (with headphones plugged into my computer tower); my guitar in a corner (lesson books across the room); and books and articles on redevelopment, finance, and black history lain in different places. Add to that, conversations on my upcoming swimming lessons and plans for launching my new business. She laughed and declared that I was essentially an avid multi-tasker.

Yo, I am a proud multi-tasker. A wise man once said that of all the multi-taskers he knows, none of them have completed anything. But he didn’t know me. Sure, I may not become fluent in Spanish nor a master guitar player. But I will learn enough to engage in pretty decent conversation with a native Spanish speaker. I will be able to play some John Mayer cords and entertain myself and my friends. I will know how to swim to shore if I am trapped on a boat cruise with a horrible date. I will even be able to learn so much from the books I am reading and sound extra smart during deep conversations.

For the last few years, my goal has been to become a generalist with a few specialties. So, I don’t get all bent out of shape with not being an expert in all things nor am I afraid to challenge myself to experience and learn new things. This summer is particularly important as I am post-breakup (f*** him) and need to really occupy myself with myself. This is my self-proclaimed Summer of Self. It is all about my personal growth.

Or maybe I just have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (as someone once remarked to me but he was a bastard anyway)…who cares. I am loving this life I am living and I plan to ride it until the wheels fall off.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Could Potentially Be Ex-Communicated from the Black Community

2005-06-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: My friends and I were joking about this and decided to make a list of the top tens reasons why one would have their 'black card' revoked. I wouldn't necessary kick someone out of the community for any of these reasons but they are each pointent enough to make you raise an eyebrow and say 'hmmm'. Don't take this too seriously. We do need one more to make the top ten a valid top ten. So, if you can think of one, post it!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU COULD POTENTIALLY BE EX-COMMUNICATED FROM THE BLACK COMMUNITY ·
1. You have ever said or followed thought the following, "I'll never date/marry a black woman because [fill in the blank]"· (if you ever said this in the presence of a black woman, you may get physically injured)
2. You think Alex Haley's Roots is a line of ethnic hair care products· (you missed black History 101)
3. For any reason other than health reasons, you never ever consume fried chicken or a pork chop· (you obviously have no appreciation for soul food)
4. Your first name is Condelezza and your last name is Rice· (need i say more?)
5. You do not know how to do the "Electric Slide"· (clearly you have not attended any black barbeques, family reunions, or wedding receptions)
6. You are a self proclaimed Republican · (need i say more?)
7. You are a black man and are dating a white women· (you'll get dirty looks from black women for the rest of your life)
8. You have not seen the Color Purple, Coming to America, the Cosby Show, or Boyz in the Hood· (you missed Black Media 101)
9. You are your only Black Friend. (the keenest evidence that you are not part of the Black community anyway)

Common Sense

2005-06-28T10:30:00.000-04:00

I love Common. His music just speaks to me. He is one of the few rappers out there that produce sustenance, knowledge, and encouragement through his craft. He is a true artist in that he allows himself to be vulnerable and allows his art to speak for himself. The music is always true because it is a relative truth-at even given point it can change with the times and yet resonate.

I am really digging his new CD, BE. However, there is one song that I can do without and that song is GO! The only reason I half-way listen to it is because of John Mayer’s voice on the chorus. The verses are a bit much and one verse in particular I detest. It is perpetuating an epidemic in our ill culture-lesbianism. The verse is:

“(Go) Freaky like the daughter of a pastor, said I was bait for her to master(Go) Little red corvette now she was faster, wet dreams Le'maire cream the bathroom(Go) We made love and then laughter, and anyway I wanted I could have herSaid there were some girls that did attract her, a new chapter she was after so I said let's(Go) To a place that you wanna be, uh get what you want from her and me uh(Go) Free love I wanna see uh, hot sex in the third degree uh(Go) You gettin' served while servin' me uh, dirty words encourage me toRock steady and sturdily on, you turnin' me no turnin' back the further we”

Turn on your TV and on almost any given cable channel at any given point, you may see some homosexuality and lesbianism popping off. Why is that? What is up with the epidemic? When came the point in Black American culture where lesbianism was cool? Forgive me for saying this but there was always that gay male in the church choir or in someone’s family but NOW GIRLS are jumping on the “free love” bandwagon.

Do you want my take? Even if you don’t here it is. I believe the short answer is that we are in a sinful world that is going to hell in a hand basket and people are just sinful. As a result people have a reprobate mind and have allowed themselves to just wild out! Some folks wild out via girl – on – girl action. Women are doing this joint for a number of reasons but I will highlight just 2:

1) Some women have been so wounded by men that they are trying something new
2) They are part-time recreational lesbians and do it to please men

What is so messed up with all of these reasons is that no problems are being solved by acting out in this manner. Women sleeping with women will not heal them from the pain their ‘baby daddy’ or ex-boyfriend/ex-husband caused them. Women sleeping with women will not make a man hold on them or maintain interest due to just that factor. It is a circular journey because lesbianism will not satisfy anyone because the participants have already demonstrated their insatiability by even going that route. Men like it because it allows them so much control in the sexual situation. Even if it is two women, a man can still join in and exert all of the control. Lesbianism + a man in the scenario is all about a man proving his virility and not his desire that a woman is satisfied.

I am so mad at Common for jumping on the bandwagon and promoting this crap because it is crap! I found out on Sunday that the Mom of one of my nephews is living with another woman as a couple. This woman has to be less than 25 years old. What made her switch teams? How is this going to impact my little nephew? I am tired of women disrespecting themselves by humping other women. I am more tired of the media hyping it up like it is the way life is supposed to orchestrate. Common and the rest of the “lesbian obsessed” media need to exert some common sense and realize the basis and results of the obsession they are pushing on countless vulnerable and gullible women.

What do you all think?

Age Ain't Nothing But a Number...

2005-06-27T15:24:00.000-04:00

Me: I think I am going to start to act my age.
Her: How are you supposed to act?
Me: I don’t know.
Both: chuckle

The thing is I want to be old. For the last few years I have really wanted to be like in my 30s or something. I’ve certainly been through enough in my life to make me feel like I am in my 30s. But I know that when I am actually in my 30s I will wish that I was in my 20s again. I suppose I am so fixated with being older for a number of reasons. The first is because I look so young. Almost everyday someone tells me how young I 1) look, 2) sound, or 3) seem. I don’t always know if I should take that last one is a compliment but folks typically say that I am very “youthful” but not immature. I have been told by many older people that I am very mature for my age. I definitely take that as a compliment. Also, I get hit on a lot by younger men. All of the time in fact! When a dude hollas at me the first question I now ask is, “how old are you?” If they respond with, “old enough” or “it doesn’t matter” I know I am dealing with a youngen and quickly move on.

I’m also fixated with being older because I have always wanted to be older. Some people say that they loved being a kid. I liked it enough but I couldn’t wait until I was on my own and could take care of myself. I have always been independent and hate the feeling of dependency. Being a kid (i.e. being young) just denotes a lifestyle when you are constantly relying on someone else to give you what you need. I was never the person who wanted to stay young forever. I vividly remember when my mom turned 29 years old and I had thought to myself, “how cool. I can’t wait to be 29.”

What I mean by saying that I am going to start acting my age I am not exactly sure since there isn’t a guidebook. You just go with the flow. Maybe what I am saying to myself when I internally crave to be older is a desire for more stability, predictability, consistency in my life. I am eager to attain a certain quality of life as well and age usually permits that. I don’t believe that being older will make my life less stressful or less painful. I know plenty of old people whose lives are and have been hell. I guess I am just ready for the next step…whatever that will be.

Basketball Blues

2005-06-24T09:18:00.000-04:00

So, my Pistons LOST last night and I am disappointed. Add to that, the end of the NBA Season and I am in mourning. I am also irritable for another reason.

Imagine that you are on your couch-chilling and watching a really great program on TV-maybe a really good basketball game. Then someone walks into the room, joins you on the couch and begins enjoying the game as well. You watch the game together for a while and then out of the blue, the person grabs the remote and turns the TV off. You get pissed and yell at them. He/she turns the TV back on. You start enjoying the basketball game again and start cheering for your team. Then he/she reaches for the remote and turns the TV off-again. You are really pissed but you are wondering why this person keeps doing that. You ask him/her why they keep doing that and they say that that they enjoy the company with you and even enjoy the game but they just aren’t sure if they want to watch the game with you. Ok, you ask them why don’t they just leave and they say that they like the company and are comfortable. What would be the appropriate response for you to make?

Would you stay on the couch and allow this person to continue to be inconsistent and be hot one minute then cold? Would grab the remote and hide it from him/her? Or would you just leave the room? My choice is to leave the room because worst than missing the entire game is not being allowed to enjoy it in its integrity.

Observe the following text convo:
Him: “Hey [my name]”
Her: “hey”
Him: “Go pistons!”
Her: “Shut up. I want an apology.”
Him: “Im sorry for not coming to see you friday.”
Her: “U don’t mean it. Why are you contacting me anyway. U play too many games.”
Him: NO RESPONSE
Her thinking: [Is this what I have to keep dealing with after all of this time? Damn. What did I do to someone else to deserve this crap? It can’t be karma. But there was that relationship with Brendan. But that was a long time ago and surely the Universe is not trying to get some payback after all of this time...But anyway, he can’t even come up with an answer and he knows that I am mad at him…I guess I should not even be surprised.]

I am going to be real. Many times, I do not know what I want or even who I am or who I am growing into-even though I am in my late 20s. But I do know that I hate inconsistency and I hate someone taking me for granted. I know that I am commanded by God to love my neighbor so I have extended unconditional love to this individual but he takes advantage of my friendship. So, I have decided to just leave the room-leave the comfort of my couch, leave the predictability of the inconsistency and just find another room for myself where I can watch a basketball game without all of the drama.

Mississippi Burning

2005-06-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the 41st anniversary of one of the most blatant civil and human rights violations to occur in America. That violation and its proceeding judicial remedies condoned the unregulated assault on blacks and members of the civil rights community, shook the foundation of youth civil rights activism, ripened the racial divides in the South, and sealed a town in secrecy. One June 21, 1964, three civil rights workers – James Chaney, 21 years old; Andrew Goodman, 20 years old; and Michael Schwerner, 24 years old – were murdered by local Ku Klux Klansmen near Philadelphia, Mississippi. They were in the area working to register black voters in during Freedom Summer and had gone to Nashoba County to investigate a recent church burning. On there way out of the County, they were arrested by the cops on a phony charge, detained, released, and then ambushed and shot point-blank. Their lifeless bodies were buried in a dam under tons of dirt.

That year, no justice was allotted them. Vengeance was not given. Of the 18 persons charged with the crime, only eight were convicted. The sentences given to the convicted ranged from 4 to 10 years. The judge is quoted to have said, “They killed one nigger, one Jew, and one white man—I gave them what I thought they deserved”. However, yesterday another key person involved in the murder of those 3 young lives was convicted. Edgar Ray Killen, 80 years old, was finally convicted of manslaughter for his involvement in those crimes. On Thursday, he can be sentenced to a maximum of 60 years in prison.

Senseless tragedies and bold racist attacks like these make me very sad and at times very angry. It just does not meet any rationale. Now, my questions are these: what does that mean for us today? What does the conviction of an 81 year old racist murderer mean? What is its significance? Those answers are too complicated to attempt to answer in this space. What’s more pertinent to me is how the spirits of James, Andrew, and Michael speak to us and what do they implore us to do. As someone who is just a few years older than those guys when they were murdered, it raises so many questions for me as I try to live a life of meaning. The most resonating question for me is this: in a hurting world (racism, poverty, sexism, injustice, inequity, and nihilism) how can I truly have an impact? James, Andrew, and Michael died for what they believed in. Their lives were not in vain. Although I wish they never had to suffer as they did, I thank them for their sacrifice as it is teaching me how life is truly meant to be lived-courageously and purposefully.

More of that Mo' Betta Black Love

2005-06-20T22:30:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: I'm going to piss some more people off...don't hate the message, you can hate the messager if it makes you feel betta.

Why do black men date and marry non-black women?

I used to believe the love is hard to find. It is even harder to keep. Therefore, when you find love, hold on to it and make it work. I used to believe that it didn’t matter who you found this love with-color, race, class, nothing mattered but your love for one another. But I now firmly believe that this can be a cop-out for black men who prefer to date and marry white women. This is because on the most basic level one chooses who one falls in love with and commits to. Everyone has the discretion to choose who they spend their time, energy, and resources with. Those little decisions take you on certain paths and you choose the path that will lead you to fall in love with someone. One does not wake up in the morning and just happen to be in love. You choose it every step of a platonic relationship. A man chooses if he wants just a friendship or a romantic relationship with a woman. That “I can’t help who I love” rationale is a lie.

The reason why all of this even matters in the year 2005 is because the black community and culture are at crucial points. We suffer from broken families. Our children are being influenced by evil MTV and BET and hypersexual music. Our brothers are incarcerated at alarming rates (I personally know 4 people in jail right now). Some of our men are on the Down Low (YUCK). Poverty is swallowing up our inner cities and outer ring suburbs. Our women are confused about their roles and their identity because too many are baby mamas and not wives. Far too many of us have a ‘hood rich’ mentality and negative net worth. The black community is in dire straits. We need strong black families to confront and fight these pressures if the black community seeks to survive and be successful in America this century.

In order to have strong families, we need strong relationships between black men and black women. Black women should EXPECT a black man to marry her, protect her, provide for her, and love her. It should not be a hope but a reality. Black women have been forced to be superwomen because we do not have the covering of black men to shield us from life’s storms. Black men abandon the collective of black women and black culture when they choose to be with non-black women.

Black men need to stop saying that black women are “too aggressive”, “will not give a brother a chance”, “gold diggers”, and “ask for too much”. I was at a comedy show last week and a comedian stated that black women want too much from black men because they want a man with a job, car, and his own house. HELLO?! Why shouldn’t I require that? That line of thought is wack.

So, brothers before you decide to turn your back on your sistas and love on someone else just because they are non-black, think about the impact you are having on our culture. Analyze why a black woman has had to become so ‘strong’. It is because you were not allowed to protect us during slavery. It is because you were not allowed to be in the home if we were on public assistance. It is because you have been emasculated by a racist culture and are unsure of your role as a man. It is because we had to take care of ourselves and your children alone for centuries. Most of us are tired of being that “strong black woman” and just want to be weak and rely on a responsible and honorable black man to take care of us. We need strong black families for a strong black community. Don’t be like Kobe, Tiger (I still love you, Tiger, call me if you read this), Dave Chappelle, Russell Simmons, Charles Barkley, Tim Duncan, Wesley Snipes, Taye Diggs, etc. and give all of your love, time, and resources to another culture. The black culture needs you to survive. Black women are hurting because of your fears, insecurities, and intimidation. Step up to the plate and take care of your black women. We need you (but OJ and Ike Turner need not apply).

Dating

2005-06-17T17:02:00.000-04:00

Dating in my 20s has been interesting. In fact, the older I get the less I care and the more I can relax with the whole dating thing. For other singles, getting older may increase the pressure becuase you may feel anxious about finding that special person before you start balding (men) or your hips start spreading (ladies). But for me, it's been the exact opposite. I have become so nonchalant that i even surprise myself.

For example, this Memorial Day weekend I hooked up with an old friend. He comes to my family's cookout and we have a great time-cool convo, lots of laughts, and some good quality time together. As he drove into the starry night on his white stallion (or was it a nondescript American-made sedan?) he calls out, "I'll call you. I miss you already!". Before long, a week passes and he calls and he is pissed. He perceeds to tell me that he's angry with me for not calling him. He's upset that I did not call him during his 4 hour ride home to check on him. Blah Blah Blah.

As you can guess, I did not really care too much. It is not that I was not interested in his feelings of neglect, abandonment, or unimportance. On the contrary. I care about him a lot since was have know each other since college, have been intimate, and have experienced a great deal together. However, I know that if a man really is interested in a woman, he'll call her in less than 48 hours of their last encounter. If he is really digging a lady, he will not be able to help himself. A man who wants something will not be stopped from displaying it.

So, when he did not call me that night, I knew that he was not too pressed over me. It was cool. I did not care. I was chill about the situation. I'd put absolutely no pressure that "we" were going anywhere. I've learned from experience over the years to not expect anything from a dating situation. I just go with the flow. If a relationship evolves, cool. If not, cool too. I am not too pressed. Therefore, I do not chase men. I've learned that it is not my God-given role to pursue a relationship. It is the man's role to pursue me. In the past, when I've pursued men, the relationship that was established did not last. Men by design are hunters. It they obtain a woman that they have not "hunted" they will not have learned her value and worth. As a result, they will eventually not treat her well and the relationship will disintegrate.

Therefore, I've concluded that my old friend who got angry with me for not calling, really wasn't angry with me because I didn't call him. He was angry because I chose not to chase him. If he was truly interested he would have "hunted" me. Instead, he put his ego in the mix, got upset over percieved rejection, called me in anger, and pissed me off. He certainly does not have to worry about me calling him ever again. I don't chase men because I know my worth (I'll tell you a secret: I am very smart, virtuous, approachable, sucessful in my life, and cute. All in all I am a catch).

What's affirming in this situation is that my sister saw this dude at an NFL Celebrity event about 2 weeks later with a woman who appeared to be pregnant. It seems that yet again I've speared myself from some drama-another close call in this life caught in the 20s.

One Day It'll All Make Sense...

2005-06-08T00:28:00.000-04:00

What is the purpose of all of this? What is the reason for going through the daily grind, the mundane, or the mind-numbing routine of this life? Yesterday, I completed a very long end of the year report which my boss wanted (like he is really going to read all of it). Over the course of my preparation, I had to reflect on all of my projects and accomplishments and setbacks over the past 8 months and how they met the goals of my organization. I realized how much work I'd done and was reminded how little impact I had in the grand scheme of things. So what if I had more productivity than my predecessor or initiated two new huge programs that are going to be annualized? So what if my income this year was more than double any income I've ever had? What does it matter if my title rings "accomplished"?

Nothing...to me. Now, I am not ungrateful for the gifts and blessings that God has given me. Not at all. I am humbled by it. However, none of this matters to me because I do not feel as if I am living out my life to the fullest or living out my true purpose. My family is shocked everytime I appear completed unaffected by my success. Some of them even try to map out the next step for me so that I can be more successful. "Get your Ph.D." "Stay at your current job" "Don't leave" "You are making money" "Do this. Do That" Being young but on the cusp of being a grown-ass adult is daunting. Everyone has a suggestion for how they can live vicariously through you. I know they all mean well but I cannot follow them. I do not know everything there is to know about life but I do know that I dont want to waste it chasing money, material possessions, and menial ideals of a "good life". I just want to live my life how I want to live it.

Since college the only thing that I have ever truly desired was to be happy. When I thought about what I want my life to be, I just wanted to be happy in that life. Now, whatever path it takes me to be happy is a toss up. However, through trial and error I now know some of what makes me happy and some of what does not. I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I do not. I know that I am most happiest when I laugh. I know that I am most unhappy when I feel absolutely powerless. I know that I am most happiest working with teenagers and talking with them and hanging out with them and sharing my bit of world experience with them. I know that I hate working at a computer all day or having a boss whose basic leadership method is intimidation. I know that I love to champion the cause of the poor. I know that I can feel God's pleasure when I am serving someone at his/her most helpless. I can actually feel God presence.

So, at the end of the day I must ask myself, "how does what I accomplished today count towards accomplishing my mission in life" "How does it serve the people I know that I was created to serve" "How does it match up with the most important things to me; justice, equity, fair access to adequate housing, the empowerment of the proletariat, and the spreading of God's Gospel?" Life is so short. Even in my 20s I realize this. Therefore, I gotta do what I was sent here to do; provide affordable housing, transform the 'hood, nurture and mentor young girls and women, advocate for the poor, love my extended 'family', and teach whatever God puts in my heart. I have to. If I don't I am not living my life. I am merely existing.

Happy 73rd Birthday, Grammie.

Oh, to look like Thandie Newton

2005-06-04T01:18:00.000-04:00

We all know that the media bombards women with society's (who/whatever that is) standard of beauty. Just turn on the tube or turn up the radio and you will see and hear any number of sublimal and overt messages stating the acceptable physical standard of beauty for women. When females are young girls there is a constant pressure to be "pretty" or "cute". That compliment is THE most important one to a little girl. You just get condition that looks are so important. Once, you hit puberty and are on your way to "becoming a woman" (as my mom and all of the high school nurses used to say) there is even more pressure to look the part and walk the walk. We became terrible make-up artists and sometimes went to school looking like BoBo the clown (damn those yearbook pictures!). Once you morph into a woman caught in the 20s it is even more crazy because you have begun to accept physical self for who she is, have decreased the amount of pressure you put on yourself to look like the latest hollywood hottie, but still desire to be desireable. I heard that once a woman hits 40, she is finally comfortable in her own skin.

But where does this pressure come from? How does it impact women? Is it healthy? Well, the pressure comes from MEN. At first, ladies, we think that we are wearing that gold eye shadow, high-heeled stilletos, itchy panty hose, and padded miracle bras for ourselves. We think, "this makes me look beautiful, sexy, desirable, mature, alluring". We think, "this makes me feel better about myself, gives me more confidence". However, the scary truth is that if no men were around....we wouldn't do it! [gasp] I think i may get kick out of the ladies club but fellas I am hipping you to an important fact. Women torture themselves for YOU.

Now, a little 'torture' can be healthy and not cause any emotional or physical or physological harm. For instance, high heeled shoes never hurt anybody (except Ike Turner) and make-up really only kills lab rabbits. But there are many many times when harm is caused in other ways. There are, at times, so much pressure on many women that they spin out of control in hopes of looking like Halle, J-Lo, Janet, etc. Women get so much outside pressure to be what the culture deems as acceptable (ie beautiful). This is manifested in anorexia, bulima, overeating, compulsive exercise, dressing too scantly at the local night spot, putting needles in our face to rid ourselves of wrinkles, gluing fake hair onto our scalps, burning our own hair, extreme plastic surgery, ect. We shove, liposuc, pull, bleed, and sweat to be acceptable to a society that is NEVER truly satisfied. And many women are chronically depressed...

But MEN have the power to stop teen and college-age women from killing themselves in the quest to be thin. Men have the power to shift a woman's focus from her physical self to her other selves. Men have the power to empower women to be free in their own skin. You can do things like not complain when she gains some weigh; not over critique her physical attributes; not compare her to the latest SportsIllustrated swimsuit edition models; praise her emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental capacities; and began to build her confidence. All men have women in their lives. Men, committ yourselves to offering words that breath life into women around you. Compliment them. Thank them for being who they are. Tell them that wearing extra low pants that shows their panties or wearing a sheer outfit to the club is not cool. Be committed to building up the women in your life.

I have had to learn to accept myself for who I am and I am loving it. My hair is nappy, I am skinny, wear a B-cup bra (on a good day), and do not look like any video vixen nor have a butt like Beyonce. But I am happy. I am continuously affirmed by God, myself, and also by the good men in my life who edify me. Men, spread a good word to the good women in your life.

The Baby Mama/Baby Father Paradigm

2005-05-31T23:40:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: I may piss some people off today but I am fine with that. I am not judging anyone as I know that at times, shit happens. However, I feel this issue so much as it is close to home. If the black culture seeks to survive and successful funcion and operate in society we have GOT to stop this problem. It is killing our culture.

OK, so this past weekend was Memorial Day Weekend and I had some time off work to hang out with my family. I had a lots of fun. There was an abundance of food, music, children, and laughter. However, being with my family poses lots of issues as my family (like all families) have issues. What i found particularly interesting this weekend is that a problematic pattern currently being glamorized by popular hip hop culture has been adopted by members of my family and is now pretty prevalent on one side of the family. This problem is what i shall call, "The Baby Mama/Baby Father Paradigm". It is as if there has been a cultural shift from "Mother/Father" "Wife/Husband" relationship roles to "my baby's father/my baby's mama". I must first say that there has always been instances in the black family where out of wedlock births occurred and when children where born in a marriage relationship but death, divorce, or abandonment resulted in the loss of a spouse. There have always been single mothers raising children. This is not new. What is new and disturbing is the ways black men and black women relate to one another during the creation of out of wedlock children, the aftermath of the child's arrival, and the increasing prevalence of such relationships.

This is impacted in two ways: the parent-parent relationship and the parent-child relationship. In the Baby Mama/Baby Father Paradigm, the parents are no longer in a romantic/sexual relationship and this usually causes the parents to have a dysfunctional relationship where there is constantly a tension over child support, visitation, and the emotional baggage from the dissolved romantic relationship. Even the title "baby mama/baby father" can be seen as a pejorative and lacks the dignity that "Mother/Father or "Wife/Husband" dictate and demand. In mainstream culture, the baby mama/baby father designations are a joke. Language is powerful and to denote a parent of your child as "my baby mama/father" lacks the dignity and seriousness of that parent's role in that child's life. The parent-child relationship is also negatively impacted as the absence of one of the parents (usually the dad) poses serious emotional turmoil on the child. The child is left to feel abandoned and less significant as a child birthed in a committed love relationship. The child also has to grapple with the reasons of the absent parent's lack of presence and also deal with the emotional baggage that the present parent carries due to the absent parent's departure. Children of the divorced also feel this way but usually a longstanding committed relationship existed prior to the dissolvement of the relationship and different dynamics occur. In the current "baby mama/baby father" paradigm the relationships usually (not always) lacked serious committment by both parties.

The increased prevalence of these types of relationships is a tremendous issue as now, there are too many men who have multiple children by multiple women. There are also women who have multiple children by multiple men. That results in children who have lots of siblings whom they may never ever see. For instance, my biological father, left my mom after she became pregnant. She married someone else and that man raised me and my sisters. My biological father went on to continue to procreate and now has 7 children by 3 different women. I have not met (and probably may never meet) 2 of my sisters. This saddens me. Also, my younger sister had a child by a man who has 7 children by 7 different women. This makes me even sadder. I could go on but you all know other stories.

There may not actually be an increase in the occurence of these situations but it feels like it to me and many others living in urban areas. Maybe the hip hop culture's acceptance of it makes it more acceptable for individuals to find themselves in such situations. In any case, if the black culture seeks to survive and successfully function in mainstream culture we need to do some things:
1) Renew our minds: having children out of wedlock is a bad idea. it is NOT COOL to have multiple children by multiple people or any children outside of wedlock. i know shit happens but dang this is killing us. wait to have children until you are married. i'd recommend that you not even have sex until you are married. God had a legimate reason for designating fornication a sin.
2) Relate to one another with respect: Men and women do not always relate to one another well when sex is involved. Frequently both parties are not on the same page regarding their intentions for the relationship. A woman may think that her partner is committed for the long haul but the man may think that it is just a temporary situation. Honest communication about the intentions, hopes, desires, and limitations for the relationship should be the hallmark of any romantic/sexual relationship.
3) Respectfully handle your business: If a pregnancy occurs both parents need to come to a mutual agreement about child rearing, visitation, finances, etc. Respect is paramount to a parenting relationship. Forgive and get over the dissolution of the romantic/sexual relationship. Operate as mature individuals and if possible friends.
4) Remember, it's not about you: It is about the children that involuntarily come into our world. It is our duty and responsibility to make sure that they are loved, affirmed, nurtured, and provided for. Anything less is an assault to their ultimate creator, God.

Men are from Mars...

2005-05-27T00:26:00.000-04:00

What's that saying? Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Or is it women are from Mars and men are from Venus? In any case, the point is that men and women are very different - extremely different. Just ask any couple and they can give countless examples of how they conflict and how at times the other seems like a complete mystery. For example, men equate intimacy between the couple as being able to communicate and understand each other without the use of a whole lot of words. On the other hand, women feel lost and distant from her mate if they do not verbally communicate. And there you have just one basis for a plethora of fights. "You don't talk to me!" "You talk too much!"

But are men and women really that different? I have lived 27 years and I made an amazing discovery. Although, men and women express themselves differently and recieve things differently we are all the same. Why you may ask? How can I possibly know that? Do I have any deep research and emperical evidence? The answer is no and yes. No, I didn't need to conduct any deep research or write a thesis. I only had to sit back, observe, and take notes. Instead of complaining (and staying confused) I simply shut my mouth and watched. I discovered our commonality by observing the relationship between men and one thing...SPORTS. What?! You are asking. Sports is the key evidence that men and women are different! You are saying. Contrary, my friend. Men's love of sports demonstrate the same emotional and mental need for DRAMA that women have. Most women have Oprah, Soaps, and the OC. Men have Sports Center and CBS Sportsline. Both groups share a love of Law and Order (all 3 versions). Sports, ladies, feed the same emotional sensors that crave drama, gossip, glory, and defeat. Just take a day and turn on ESPN. Watch SportsCenter or Pardon the Interruption. It is more drama-filled than General Hospital and has more gossip than the E! channel.

This revelation may not win me a Pulitzer Prize but I hope that it is a springboard to challenge you to take active ownership for how you relate to the men and women in your life. Maybe this discovery can at least slow down the US divorce rate. Although there are some important differences between men and women, we are more alike than different. Also, each individual is different. Personally, I hate Soap Operas and I adore basketball. But I let my man have Monday Night football. At the most basic level, we have the same needs and desires. We simply have different ways to manifest and meet those needs. So, the next time you and your man get into a fight or your lady gets on your nerves, just remember that we have more in common than not. Pop some popcorn, cuddle on the couch, and turn on Law and Order (any of the 3 versions).

Death

2005-05-25T21:23:00.000-04:00

I am finally in touch with my own mortality. Monday night as I excitedly watched Detroit defeat the Miami Heat, I had a random asthma attack during the fourth quarter. I used my inhaler and told my friends not to worry. On the way home I had another asthma attack. Terrified, I began to imagine dying in my car on the side of the rode. You see, I don't have a severe case of asthma but I had an asthma attack last Thursday evening and now I was having 2 in a row. I realized that although I am only 27, death can crept upon me any moment. If not my own death, then the death of a loved one. I have been blessed to not have experience the death of any of my parents or grandparents. I still have one great grandmother alive (in the Bronx; she is awesome and extremely chic). The closest deaths have been my favorite uncle who drank himself into the grave and my baby brother who died when he was 3 months old and I was 3 years old. Although my life has been tainted by extreme instability and chaos, I have been spared severe losses. However, my favorite grandfather has prostate cancer, one of the grandmothers has a heart condition, and my mom has had 3 strokes and is currently being tested for ovarian cancer. And I am having random allergic reactions to my town's fertile air that prevent me from breathing. Death is eminent. Not only for me but for all of my loved ones. Accepting this has been very key for me because in the event of the unthinkable I am prepared to STAND. God allows shit to happen. Point blank. What He expects me to do is to TRUST Him and to believe that He is holding me and loving me and focused on my well-being. This trust comforts me and allows me to understand that what ever happens will be for a reason and I will be able to get through it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for, says the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Therefore, I accept my mortality as it will take me to my heavenly Father. I accept the mortality of my sisters, parents, grandparents, and friends as their death will show me another side of life - that it is continous and at times tumultuous. But that there is also a constant and that constant is God's plan. I have faith that His plan, whatever it brings, includes my ability to adjust and accept the changes.

The X-Factor

2005-05-23T21:25:00.000-04:00

Okay, another thing that happens when one is “caught in the 20s” is that sometimes you end up dating another person “caught in the 20s” with equally or more dysfunctional issues than yourself. Case in point, I gave a year and a some change to someone whom has serious issues with commitment, intimacy, and follow-through. What I initially viewed as extra caution = high level of respect for me, actually turned out as him being deathly unable to allow himself to fall in love with another person. Of course he has legitimate reasons for his behavior (death of both birth parents, infidelity of his previous 2 girlfriends) but is that still a reason for him to be inconsistent and unstable as a see saw? Actually, now that I see it written in print, YES. Where the heck was I you may ask? I was in love la-la land. TRIPPING. I could blame it on my undergraduate drug use but that didn’t really kill all of my brain cells. Just some of them and even so, potheads should still be able to smell a rat. Anyway, if the truth be told, I loved him in high school as a teenager and fell in love with him as a grown woman last year…At first it was great. I just knew that he was the ONE. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. He was perfect to me. Even his hands. Each of his fingers were designed by God so perfectly that I just stared at them sometimes, lost in them. But anyway, back to the story. So, anyway, his brother graduated yesterday from the university I work for and he comes in town. I haven’t seen him nor heard his voice since that fateful month of February when it all fell apart and I fell apart (but that is another story for another blog). So, he sends me a text message on Saturday saying that he is coming into town and wants to talk. Anxiety swallows me up yet this is the moment I have been waiting for-to tell him how much he sucks and to see how much he would grovel. To make a long story short, we meet over a soy chai latte and a caramel macchiato and he attempts to explain himself to me and to apologize profusely for his actions. I am angry. I am hateful. I am mad. I am extremely hurt and so sad. I am still in love with him and I hate him more for ruining the life that I had created in my mind of the two of us growing together, traveling together, working together, laughing together, and growing old together. I had to erase all of that in February and now I was forced to erase all of that all over again. It would be so much easier for me to get over him if I knew that he did not love me or did not care about me or that we really were not meant to be together. I would then be able to put him in the closet with the rest of the Xes. But I cannot. I believe that there is just that one person who really GETS YOU. Sometimes, you don’t end up with them and you just do with what you have or who you end up having. But every time you see that person who really GETS YOU, the both of you are reminded of that connection you’ll forever have. You’ll say your hellos and then your goodbyes, walk away, and then forlornly shake off that great love you still hold inside and continue on with your life. Until the next time you meet when you are forced to do it all over again…

First Entry: A Glimpse Into Life Caught in the 20s

2005-05-21T00:47:00.000-04:00

05.20.05. It is raining outside. On a Friday!!! I wish I was wrapped up in covers in my bed but I have to pay my bills and have money to party so I am at work. I like my job but hate my boss. He sucks. I love my life though. Even if I had to work under him my entire life, I still love my life. It is far from what I wish it to be but it is perfect because I have all that I can handle right now. Being in your late 20s puts you in a place where you have to have certain amenties in order for folks to view you as an official adult. It is weird. Like I feel like I should be married, own a house, be on my career track, belong to certain social circles, enjoy stuffy cocktail parties were everyone speaks in whispers, and to basically be a bore. At least that's what I thought being an adult was when I was little. Being boring and just focused on working and maintaining an existence. But alas, I am an adult and life isn't quite like that for me. Sure, I'd love to be in a committed relationship with a committed, loving, gorgeous, attractive, strong, ambitious, honorable, athletic, sensitive, giving, intelligent, Christ-centered MAN but not necessary married to him. I'd love to own my very own home but I don't even know what part of the country I want to live in right now. I want to be on my career track but I can't secure a job in my desired field, urban planning. So, I make due. I have lots of male friends to subsidize what I need from male companionship, I rent an apartment, and I am looking for a new job. I have found that life in the 20s is a life caught between leaving behind 'life on a whim' and reaching up for stability. I am in the midst.