The Baby Mama/Baby Father Paradigm

Disclaimer: I may piss some people off today but I am fine with that. I am not judging anyone as I know that at times, shit happens. However, I feel this issue so much as it is close to home. If the black culture seeks to survive and successful funcion and operate in society we have GOT to stop this problem. It is killing our culture.

OK, so this past weekend was Memorial Day Weekend and I had some time off work to hang out with my family. I had a lots of fun. There was an abundance of food, music, children, and laughter. However, being with my family poses lots of issues as my family (like all families) have issues. What i found particularly interesting this weekend is that a problematic pattern currently being glamorized by popular hip hop culture has been adopted by members of my family and is now pretty prevalent on one side of the family. This problem is what i shall call, "The Baby Mama/Baby Father Paradigm". It is as if there has been a cultural shift from "Mother/Father" "Wife/Husband" relationship roles to "my baby's father/my baby's mama". I must first say that there has always been instances in the black family where out of wedlock births occurred and when children where born in a marriage relationship but death, divorce, or abandonment resulted in the loss of a spouse. There have always been single mothers raising children. This is not new. What is new and disturbing is the ways black men and black women relate to one another during the creation of out of wedlock children, the aftermath of the child's arrival, and the increasing prevalence of such relationships.

This is impacted in two ways: the parent-parent relationship and the parent-child relationship. In the Baby Mama/Baby Father Paradigm, the parents are no longer in a romantic/sexual relationship and this usually causes the parents to have a dysfunctional relationship where there is constantly a tension over child support, visitation, and the emotional baggage from the dissolved romantic relationship. Even the title "baby mama/baby father" can be seen as a pejorative and lacks the dignity that "Mother/Father or "Wife/Husband" dictate and demand. In mainstream culture, the baby mama/baby father designations are a joke. Language is powerful and to denote a parent of your child as "my baby mama/father" lacks the dignity and seriousness of that parent's role in that child's life. The parent-child relationship is also negatively impacted as the absence of one of the parents (usually the dad) poses serious emotional turmoil on the child. The child is left to feel abandoned and less significant as a child birthed in a committed love relationship. The child also has to grapple with the reasons of the absent parent's lack of presence and also deal with the emotional baggage that the present parent carries due to the absent parent's departure. Children of the divorced also feel this way but usually a longstanding committed relationship existed prior to the dissolvement of the relationship and different dynamics occur. In the current "baby mama/baby father" paradigm the relationships usually (not always) lacked serious committment by both parties.

The increased prevalence of these types of relationships is a tremendous issue as now, there are too many men who have multiple children by multiple women. There are also women who have multiple children by multiple men. That results in children who have lots of siblings whom they may never ever see. For instance, my biological father, left my mom after she became pregnant. She married someone else and that man raised me and my sisters. My biological father went on to continue to procreate and now has 7 children by 3 different women. I have not met (and probably may never meet) 2 of my sisters. This saddens me. Also, my younger sister had a child by a man who has 7 children by 7 different women. This makes me even sadder. I could go on but you all know other stories.

There may not actually be an increase in the occurence of these situations but it feels like it to me and many others living in urban areas. Maybe the hip hop culture's acceptance of it makes it more acceptable for individuals to find themselves in such situations. In any case, if the black culture seeks to survive and successfully function in mainstream culture we need to do some things:
1) Renew our minds: having children out of wedlock is a bad idea. it is NOT COOL to have multiple children by multiple people or any children outside of wedlock. i know shit happens but dang this is killing us. wait to have children until you are married. i'd recommend that you not even have sex until you are married. God had a legimate reason for designating fornication a sin.
2) Relate to one another with respect: Men and women do not always relate to one another well when sex is involved. Frequently both parties are not on the same page regarding their intentions for the relationship. A woman may think that her partner is committed for the long haul but the man may think that it is just a temporary situation. Honest communication about the intentions, hopes, desires, and limitations for the relationship should be the hallmark of any romantic/sexual relationship.
3) Respectfully handle your business: If a pregnancy occurs both parents need to come to a mutual agreement about child rearing, visitation, finances, etc. Respect is paramount to a parenting relationship. Forgive and get over the dissolution of the romantic/sexual relationship. Operate as mature individuals and if possible friends.
4) Remember, it's not about you: It is about the children that involuntarily come into our world. It is our duty and responsibility to make sure that they are loved, affirmed, nurtured, and provided for. Anything less is an assault to their ultimate creator, God.

Men are from Mars...

What's that saying? Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Or is it women are from Mars and men are from Venus? In any case, the point is that men and women are very different - extremely different. Just ask any couple and they can give countless examples of how they conflict and how at times the other seems like a complete mystery. For example, men equate intimacy between the couple as being able to communicate and understand each other without the use of a whole lot of words. On the other hand, women feel lost and distant from her mate if they do not verbally communicate. And there you have just one basis for a plethora of fights. "You don't talk to me!" "You talk too much!"

But are men and women really that different? I have lived 27 years and I made an amazing discovery. Although, men and women express themselves differently and recieve things differently we are all the same. Why you may ask? How can I possibly know that? Do I have any deep research and emperical evidence? The answer is no and yes. No, I didn't need to conduct any deep research or write a thesis. I only had to sit back, observe, and take notes. Instead of complaining (and staying confused) I simply shut my mouth and watched. I discovered our commonality by observing the relationship between men and one thing...SPORTS. What?! You are asking. Sports is the key evidence that men and women are different! You are saying. Contrary, my friend. Men's love of sports demonstrate the same emotional and mental need for DRAMA that women have. Most women have Oprah, Soaps, and the OC. Men have Sports Center and CBS Sportsline. Both groups share a love of Law and Order (all 3 versions). Sports, ladies, feed the same emotional sensors that crave drama, gossip, glory, and defeat. Just take a day and turn on ESPN. Watch SportsCenter or Pardon the Interruption. It is more drama-filled than General Hospital and has more gossip than the E! channel.

This revelation may not win me a Pulitzer Prize but I hope that it is a springboard to challenge you to take active ownership for how you relate to the men and women in your life. Maybe this discovery can at least slow down the US divorce rate. Although there are some important differences between men and women, we are more alike than different. Also, each individual is different. Personally, I hate Soap Operas and I adore basketball. But I let my man have Monday Night football. At the most basic level, we have the same needs and desires. We simply have different ways to manifest and meet those needs. So, the next time you and your man get into a fight or your lady gets on your nerves, just remember that we have more in common than not. Pop some popcorn, cuddle on the couch, and turn on Law and Order (any of the 3 versions).

Death

I am finally in touch with my own mortality. Monday night as I excitedly watched Detroit defeat the Miami Heat, I had a random asthma attack during the fourth quarter. I used my inhaler and told my friends not to worry. On the way home I had another asthma attack. Terrified, I began to imagine dying in my car on the side of the rode. You see, I don't have a severe case of asthma but I had an asthma attack last Thursday evening and now I was having 2 in a row. I realized that although I am only 27, death can crept upon me any moment. If not my own death, then the death of a loved one. I have been blessed to not have experience the death of any of my parents or grandparents. I still have one great grandmother alive (in the Bronx; she is awesome and extremely chic). The closest deaths have been my favorite uncle who drank himself into the grave and my baby brother who died when he was 3 months old and I was 3 years old. Although my life has been tainted by extreme instability and chaos, I have been spared severe losses. However, my favorite grandfather has prostate cancer, one of the grandmothers has a heart condition, and my mom has had 3 strokes and is currently being tested for ovarian cancer. And I am having random allergic reactions to my town's fertile air that prevent me from breathing. Death is eminent. Not only for me but for all of my loved ones. Accepting this has been very key for me because in the event of the unthinkable I am prepared to STAND. God allows shit to happen. Point blank. What He expects me to do is to TRUST Him and to believe that He is holding me and loving me and focused on my well-being. This trust comforts me and allows me to understand that what ever happens will be for a reason and I will be able to get through it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for, says the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Therefore, I accept my mortality as it will take me to my heavenly Father. I accept the mortality of my sisters, parents, grandparents, and friends as their death will show me another side of life - that it is continous and at times tumultuous. But that there is also a constant and that constant is God's plan. I have faith that His plan, whatever it brings, includes my ability to adjust and accept the changes.

The X-Factor

Okay, another thing that happens when one is “caught in the 20s” is that sometimes you end up dating another person “caught in the 20s” with equally or more dysfunctional issues than yourself. Case in point, I gave a year and a some change to someone whom has serious issues with commitment, intimacy, and follow-through. What I initially viewed as extra caution = high level of respect for me, actually turned out as him being deathly unable to allow himself to fall in love with another person. Of course he has legitimate reasons for his behavior (death of both birth parents, infidelity of his previous 2 girlfriends) but is that still a reason for him to be inconsistent and unstable as a see saw? Actually, now that I see it written in print, YES. Where the heck was I you may ask? I was in love la-la land. TRIPPING. I could blame it on my undergraduate drug use but that didn’t really kill all of my brain cells. Just some of them and even so, potheads should still be able to smell a rat. Anyway, if the truth be told, I loved him in high school as a teenager and fell in love with him as a grown woman last year…At first it was great. I just knew that he was the ONE. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. He was perfect to me. Even his hands. Each of his fingers were designed by God so perfectly that I just stared at them sometimes, lost in them. But anyway, back to the story. So, anyway, his brother graduated yesterday from the university I work for and he comes in town. I haven’t seen him nor heard his voice since that fateful month of February when it all fell apart and I fell apart (but that is another story for another blog). So, he sends me a text message on Saturday saying that he is coming into town and wants to talk. Anxiety swallows me up yet this is the moment I have been waiting for-to tell him how much he sucks and to see how much he would grovel. To make a long story short, we meet over a soy chai latte and a caramel macchiato and he attempts to explain himself to me and to apologize profusely for his actions. I am angry. I am hateful. I am mad. I am extremely hurt and so sad. I am still in love with him and I hate him more for ruining the life that I had created in my mind of the two of us growing together, traveling together, working together, laughing together, and growing old together. I had to erase all of that in February and now I was forced to erase all of that all over again. It would be so much easier for me to get over him if I knew that he did not love me or did not care about me or that we really were not meant to be together. I would then be able to put him in the closet with the rest of the Xes. But I cannot. I believe that there is just that one person who really GETS YOU. Sometimes, you don’t end up with them and you just do with what you have or who you end up having. But every time you see that person who really GETS YOU, the both of you are reminded of that connection you’ll forever have. You’ll say your hellos and then your goodbyes, walk away, and then forlornly shake off that great love you still hold inside and continue on with your life. Until the next time you meet when you are forced to do it all over again…

First Entry: A Glimpse Into Life Caught in the 20s

05.20.05. It is raining outside. On a Friday!!! I wish I was wrapped up in covers in my bed but I have to pay my bills and have money to party so I am at work. I like my job but hate my boss. He sucks. I love my life though. Even if I had to work under him my entire life, I still love my life. It is far from what I wish it to be but it is perfect because I have all that I can handle right now. Being in your late 20s puts you in a place where you have to have certain amenties in order for folks to view you as an official adult. It is weird. Like I feel like I should be married, own a house, be on my career track, belong to certain social circles, enjoy stuffy cocktail parties were everyone speaks in whispers, and to basically be a bore. At least that's what I thought being an adult was when I was little. Being boring and just focused on working and maintaining an existence. But alas, I am an adult and life isn't quite like that for me. Sure, I'd love to be in a committed relationship with a committed, loving, gorgeous, attractive, strong, ambitious, honorable, athletic, sensitive, giving, intelligent, Christ-centered MAN but not necessary married to him. I'd love to own my very own home but I don't even know what part of the country I want to live in right now. I want to be on my career track but I can't secure a job in my desired field, urban planning. So, I make due. I have lots of male friends to subsidize what I need from male companionship, I rent an apartment, and I am looking for a new job. I have found that life in the 20s is a life caught between leaving behind 'life on a whim' and reaching up for stability. I am in the midst.